884: Sexual Intimacy Isn’t Optional…It’s Essential

“Intimacy is not a luxury — it’s a lifeline. It’s the way we know we are not alone in the world.” —Sue Johnson

In many marriages, people treat sexual intimacy like dessert: nice to have, but not necessary. But what if sexual intimacy is like oxygen to your relationship?

The way you engage each other sexually is unlike any other relationship you have. And no, we’re not just talking about the act of sex.

In The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, we define sexual intimacy as closeness and connection in all areas of your sexual experience:

• Romance and flirtation
• How you initiate
• Foreplay and touch
• Sexual intercourse

With this expanded definition, you can be sexually intimate with your spouse even when sex isn’t possible, whether due to medical conditions, postpartum recovery, perimenopause, or other life seasons.

And that’s a good thing, because sexual intimacy isn’t optional. It’s essential.

Studies show that couples who view sexual intimacy as central to their overall health (not just their sex life) experience more connection, resilience, and joy in their relationship. Research also indicates that both sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction are strong predictors of overall relationship quality.

This pillar includes sexual conversations, intimate touches, discussing desires, engaging in foreplay, romancing each other, and so much more.

This isn’t just for newlyweds. Within the ONE Family, there are plenty of couples well into their 70s and beyond who actively engage in sexual intimacy in ways that are meaningful for their marriage. It might look different than when they were younger, but they still make it a priority.

When you don’t prioritize sexual intimacy, it’s destructive. It leads to:

• Disconnection and distance
• Roommate syndrome
• Feelings of rejection for both spouses

Sexual intimacy—along with emotional intimacy—helps support the other four pillars. Without it, your entire marriage suffers.

So what can you do if sex has become the last thing on your list or feels optional instead of essential? Here are practical steps to strengthen your sexual intimacy:

1. Reframe sexual intimacy as a core need that keeps your marriage healthy.
2. Talk to your spouse about your sexual intimacy. Try questions like, “What would it look like for you to be sexually fulfilled?” or “How can we make this a priority together?”
3. Identify barriers keeping you from prioritizing it, such as digital devices, unspoken tension, or exhaustion. Name the obstacles so you can address them.
4. Start scheduling sex. Find the right rhythm for your marriage and get it on the calendar.
5. Use the resources available to you, whether it’s The 6 Pillars of Intimacy, the Foreplay to Passion program, or other tools. Take action on what you’re learning.
6. Get help if you need it. If deeper issues are keeping you from engaging sexually, address them with a counselor or marriage coach.

This part of your marriage is just for the two of you, making it different from any other relationship you have.

It’s not optional. It’s essential.

Resources

The 6 Pillars at Sea Marriage Getaway

Foreplay to Passion Program

Apply for Coaching With Alisa

Connect with Us

Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.