898: How to Say What You Actually Need
“Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other person magically reading your mind. It means that you’re an active agent who can be heard, and it opens the door for a much richer emotional dialogue.” —Amir Levine
Only 24% of people in the ONE Family clearly express their needs. Most of you stay quiet, get frustrated, or just hint and hope.
When you avoid expressing your needs like this, it creates deep cracks in your pillars over time. And eventually, that disconnection can start to feel irreconcilable.
So why is it so hard to clearly express your needs? And how can you build that skill?
For many spouses, it’s fear that holds them back: fear of rejection, anger, the silent treatment, being dismissed, or feeling embarrassed. It feels simpler to avoid expressing your needs and keep the peace.
But the things you wish you could communicate aren’t simple at all.
You wish your spouse understood:
- How much their critiques hurt
- That you still desire them even if you don’t say it
- You’re softer than you appear
- You need toddler-level, clear communication
At the heart of these desires is the need to be seen, cherished, and understood. But expressing that in a safe, comfortable environment may seem out of reach.
Fortunately, learning how to say what you actually need is a skill, which means you can learn it.
Here are a few steps to try this week:
1. Separate needs from criticism. Needing something doesn’t mean your spouse is failing. When you frame your needs as requests rather than judgment, you minimize defensiveness.
2. Say the need before the emotion. Phrases like “I need clarity because I’m confused” or “I need to feel cherished because I’m feeling neglected” make it easier to find solutions.
3. Focus on being clear. You don’t need to construct the perfect sentence. If you need “toddler-level clear communication,” just say that.
4. Create safety. If your spouse is coming to you to express their needs, your response matters. Listen without interrupting, going silent, or getting defensive so you can work together to rebuild connection.
You’re on the same team. When you both learn to say what you need, your marriage becomes less about guessing and more about understanding.
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