918: Under the Surface
“Connection is not built on perfection, but on presence.” —Anonymous
Has a small comment, correction, or disagreement ever turned into something much bigger?
For instance, one of you says, “I need help with the kids,” but the other hears, “You’re not doing enough.” Or you say, “I’m exhausted,” but your spouse hears, “You’re the reason I’m exhausted.”
This happens to so many couples. Things are simmering under the surface, and when they go unaddressed, a random comment or question can trigger a reaction that has nothing to do with what’s actually being said.
Usually, one of you is looking for relief and support. The other is looking for trust and a chance to help without being corrected. And you both end up feeling unheard, defensive, or completely disconnected.
Over time, this wears down your emotional intimacy because neither of you feels safe being honest, vulnerable, and known. What is happening under the surface never gets discussed, and what is being discussed is not actually the real problem.
Think of it like a rip current. When something is under the surface, it can pull you out to sea. You can fight it all you want, but you will only end up exhausted.
Instead, you have to release your desire for control and let the current take you. Use The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® framework to address what is really going on underneath, even if it takes you somewhere you did not expect. You will end up back on shore, and your marriage will be stronger for it.
This matters because when every conversation feels like a critique, you both start to pull back.
The overwhelmed spouse stops asking clearly and starts assuming, “If I do not do it, no one will.” The criticized spouse stops stepping in and starts thinking, “Why try? It will not be good enough anyway.”
And the longer this goes on, the more it impacts your marriage.
- Recreational intimacy suffers because everything becomes logistics with no fun.
- Physical and sexual intimacy suffer because it is hard to feel close when you feel criticized or unseen.
- Spiritual intimacy suffers when you are no longer aligned on the kind of home and marriage you are building together.
- And financially, you may feel like you are in a constant tug of war over money matters.
Often it is not really one small thing that breaks the camel’s back. It is erosion you never addressed, until your 6 Pillars finally cracked.
So rephrase your requests instead of turning them into reviews.
Lead with the need underneath, not the list of what your spouse did wrong.
And reconnect when you are not in the middle of conflict, so you can clarify what you both actually need.
Your marriage is a partnership. Do not let critiquing each other erode your intimacy. Be on the same team, and treat each other like it.
Struggling to break the cycle on your own? Apply for marriage coaching and get personalized help to improve your marriage.
Resources
The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® Certified Coaching Program
Connect with Us
Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.
Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, we will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, we only recommend products or services we use personally and believe will add value to our readers. We are disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
Medical Disclaimer: The content of this article & website is provided for general informational purposes only and is not intended as, nor should it be considered a substitute for, professional medical advice. Do not use the information on this website for diagnosing or treating any medical or health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider.