921: The Not-So-Invisible Marriage Competition
“The strength of the team is each individual member. The strength of each member is the team.” —Phil Jackson
“I do more around the house. I am more tired. I face more pressure at work. I initiate sex more.”
There is a not-so-invisible marriage competition that can creep into marriage when you and your spouse start comparing who has it worse. And it can unravel your emotional intimacy if you let it.
It is a common scenario for couples.
Your spouse says, “I am exhausted,” and you respond, “You think you are exhausted? I have been up since five.”
Or they say, “I feel like I have been handling everything,” and you immediately list everything you have done.
But marriage was never meant to be husband versus wife.
And when you turn life’s stressors into a competition, you are ignoring the real problem by making your spouse the problem. The real problem might be an overloaded schedule, financial pressure, kids, aging parents, work stress, or lack of rest.
This competition usually creates cracks in your Emotional Intimacy Pillar. It turns vulnerability into evidence. Instead of listening to understand, you listen for the opening to defend yourself.
And worst of all, it spreads. Couples compete over money, responsibilities, free time, affection, initiation, rejection, and more.
When you find yourself jumping in with “Well, me too!” that is a sign your connection needs attention. Look honestly at your marriage and yourself, and start shifting the dance you guys do.
First, catch the comparison. Notice what happens inside you when your spouse shares something hard. Do you immediately start listing everything you have done?
- Ask yourself, “Am I trying to understand my spouse, or prove that I have it harder?”
- Watch for this three-letter word: but. For example: “I know you are tired, but I…”
Second, name the actual problem. Couples can spend so much time arguing over who has it harder that they never address what is creating the pressure.
- Instead of debating who is more tired, say, “Our schedule is too full.”
- Instead of arguing over who does more with the kids, say, “The way we are dividing things is not working.”
- Instead of comparing initiation and rejection, say, “We are both feeling disconnected in different ways.”
Third, give credit without demanding it back. Imagine the support your spouse would feel if you said, “I know work has been intense, and I appreciate what you are doing,” without adding anything else about what you did or have been dealing with.
Finally, ask these two vital questions: “What can I do?” and “What can we do?”
Your spouse is not your opponent. You do not have to minimize their experience for yours to matter.
So stop competing over who has it harder. Start working together to make the marriage stronger.
Resources
The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® Certified Coaching Program
Connect with Us
Join the ONE Family private Facebook group to share your story and connect with other couples who are creating extraordinary marriages. To reach us on the Hug Hotline, call or text 858-876-5663 or email hugs@oneextraordinarymarriage.com.
Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, we will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, we only recommend products or services we use personally and believe will add value to our readers. We are disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
Medical Disclaimer: The content of this article & website is provided for general informational purposes only and is not intended as, nor should it be considered a substitute for, professional medical advice. Do not use the information on this website for diagnosing or treating any medical or health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider.