929: Look Into My Eyes

“Sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer another person is your full attention.” —Anonymous

Do you look into your spouse’s eyes during sex?

For some couples, eye contact happens naturally. For others, the thought of it feels awkward or surprisingly vulnerable. You may be comfortable allowing your spouse to touch your body while still finding it difficult to let them see you in that moment.

Eye contact adds another layer to sexual intimacy because you are seeing your spouse while also experiencing what it feels like to be seen by them.

Research published in Psychophysiology, Biological Psychology, and Cognition has found that direct eye contact can increase autonomic arousal and make people more aware of their physical reactions. These studies examined general physiological arousal rather than sexual arousal, but the findings may help explain why eye contact can feel so intense when you are already physically exposed.

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Through your eyes, you can communicate without speaking:

• I want you.
• I’m here with you.
• I trust you.
• I’m enjoying this.
• We are doing this together.

Eye contact can also interrupt a familiar sexual routine. When the lights always go off, eyes always close, and each spouse already knows exactly what will happen next, sex can become something you complete instead of something you share.

Opening your eyes brings your attention back to one another.

That does not mean eye contact should become another bedroom requirement. (Even we don’t keep our eyes open throughout every sexual encounter!) Eye contact is one more tool in your Sexual Intimacy toolbox. You may use it frequently, occasionally, or decide it is not for you.

The invitation is simply to talk about it.

Ask your spouse what eye contact during sex feels like to them. Does it feel intimate, exciting, awkward, distracting, or exposing? Listen without trying to change the answer. What communicates “I want you” to one spouse may make the other feel watched.

If eye contact feels uncomfortable, practice outside the bedroom first. Look at each other while holding hands, during a kiss, while giving a compliment, or when saying, “I love you.” You may laugh or look away. That is part of learning what it feels like to give and receive one another’s full attention.

When you are ready to bring it into sexual intimacy, begin with one moment. Look at each other during initiation, while kissing, when changing positions, or afterward while holding one another. Pairing the look with words such as “I love looking at you” or “You’re beautiful” can make your intention clear.

Keep it brief. Keep it mutual. This is an invitation to connect in a different way.

Your 6 Pillars Episode Takeaways

Your eyes communicate without saying a word.

• Eye contact can express desire, trust, tenderness, and presence during sexual intimacy.

Being seen may feel more vulnerable than being touched.

• Body-image concerns, unresolved hurt, or discomfort with eye contact can make opening your eyes feel surprisingly intense.

Start with one moment.

• You do not need to stare at each other throughout sex. A conversation outside the bedroom and a few seconds of mutual eye contact can give you a new way to connect.

Resources

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