DOES A “HONEY DO LIST” HELP OR HURT YOUR MARRIAGE?

As a married couple, you and your spouse have a lot of responsibilities to manage: home maintenance, kid activities, meal planning, pet care, finances, and so on. How do you keep everything running smoothly? For some couples, the answer is a “Honey Do List.”

What is a Honey Do List?

Essentially, a Honey Do List is a to-do list of specific tasks or projects. It could include things like fixing a leaking faucet, taking the dog to the vet, doing laundry, or changing the car oil. Often, a wife writes this list for her husband. In some relationships, the list can ensure clarity and teamwork. However, for others, it can create tension in the marriage.

Understanding its potential effects on your marriage can help you decide whether a Honey Do List is a beneficial (or harmful!) tool for your relationship.

The Pros and Cons of a Honey Do List

Whether a Honey Do List might help or hurt your marriage largely depends on your relationship dynamic.

Some couples find that using a list approach helps them…

• Get On the Same Page: Since your spouse can’t read your mind, writing down a list of projects can help you both know what needs to get done.
• Share the Mental Load: Lists can be a way to track and assign tasks without one of you having to remember everything.
• Minimize Conflict: If this method is effective in your marriage, it can reduce fights and tension around household responsibilities.

However, there can be downsides to this approach:

• Frustration and Resentment: If you’re the one writing the list, you might feel like your spouse should automatically notice what needs to be done. Meanwhile, if you’re on the receiving end, the list might make you feel belittled or micromanaged.
• Increased Stress: A constantly growing list can make one or both of you feel overworked and unappreciated.
• Cracks in the Emotional Intimacy Pillar: If the list becomes a source of control, the closeness and connection between the two of you can quickly deteriorate.

3 Tips for Keeping Your Marriage Strong with (or without) a Honey Do List

Whether you use a Honey Do List or not, there are three vital things to consider about shared responsibilities in a marriage:

1. Talk About It

Examine your current roles and responsibilities as husband and wife. Would a Honey Do List be helpful or add unnecessary pressure?

Do you have a healthy way of communicating needs and expectations with each other? If not, consider getting personal help from a marriage coach or counselor.

2. Consider Your 6 Pillars of Intimacy®

Yard work, errands, and home repairs are important. But your marriage should be a higher priority. If a Honey Do List is getting in the way of date night, deep conversations, or sex, it’s time to try a different approach.

3. Find an Alternative

If the Honey Do List doesn’t feel right for your marriage, consider doing a weekly check-in to discuss chores, necessary repairs, or seasonal tasks. You can also use a collaborative task app (like Todoist, Trello, or Cupla) to list and track tasks together.

Bonus Idea: Turn it into a “Love List”

What if you had a list that helped you strengthen your emotional intimacy? You can easily create one! Consider writing down things that make each of you feel loved, like bringing home coffee or sharing a kiss when you walk through the door.

Work Together Toward a Stronger Marriage

At the end of the day, Honey Do Lists can be a helpful tool if both of you feel understood and respected. Your approach to household tasks and responsibilities will change over the years, so don’t be afraid to try new things. With clear communication and a commitment to teamwork, you can keep your marriage strong and thriving for years to come.