002: CAN WE TALK?

Do your talks with your spouse go beyond the small talk about the weather and the kids?

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Is there a yearning to go deeper in your conversations?

Are you wondering how to get the conversation started?

Join us as we talk about how we use communicate in our marriage.

Over the years we have learned to dig deeper into our conversations as we talk about our dreams, desires, and fears. This has led to an incredible bond between the two of us.

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2 thoughts on “002: CAN WE TALK?

  1. Do women talk more than men?

    No.

    http://www.utexas.edu/friends/popups/research_8
    http://www.utexas.edu/news/2007/07/05/psychology/
    http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?i

    Where did this come from:
    “University of Pennsylvania linguistics professor Mark Liberman speculates, “My current best guess is that a marriage counselor invented this particular meme about 15 years ago, as a sort of parable for couples with certain communication problems, and others have picked it up and spread it, while modulating the numbers to suit their tastes.” “

    Sharing your story is great and this “myth” may be true in your case, but regurgitating myths as “facts” based on worn and unproven stereotypes can be perceived as insulting. Lots of people talking about marriage, and unfortunately, particularly Christian marriage, do it. But, it's not helpful.

    I've listened to all your podcasts now. Alisa says herself in this one, “it [Tony's being too tired for sex] shatters every myth about male virility”. My guess is that all *myths* can be shattered because by nature myths are not grounded in facts or truth.

    Your disposition towards sexual intimacy is the complete opposite of my 22 yr marriage. Men do have an aversion to sexuality intimacy and use [rather the lack of it] for control, and we know if he [husband] won't do it IT really isn't happening.

    I find it interesting that the stereotypes for men are perceived as positive attributes, particularly about sexual virility, which no red-blooded, American male would contradict. (Everyone plays their part in perpetuating the myth.) However, the coorelated stereotype for women (communication–talkative; sex–frigid or reluctant at best) are negative.

    Sharing your unique experience is one thing. Own it in every way. That shows integrity. By stereotyping men as “always on” and “reticient” to communication and women as “frigid” and “talkative” you may score points with some who receive some type of reinforcement from such myths, but you potentially alienate a portion of your audience.

    Otherwise, your candor concerning your experience is refreshing. May the Lord honor your faithfulness and dedication to strengthening marriage.

  2. SM,

    Thank you for listening to all of our podcasts and for the taking the time to write back to us. We appreciate your comments regarding stereotypes and their potential to alienate a portion of our audience. Thank you for the articles and their insight male/female communication. We love being able to learn from the information that our listeners provide us as we don't claim to know everything. It's true that our marriage has tended to fall along “traditional stereotypes” and you are not alone in responding that your marriage is very different from ours. In this episode, it seems that we were not as clear as we could have been regarding communication, throughout the day we talk rather frequently as our schedules allow for us to do so. However, prior to sexual intimacy I have a need to download what's going on in my head. During this time Tony really doesn't say much and I don't want him to. His silence and willingness to listen allows me to be fully in the moment with him when we are intimate.

    I do not know the circumstances behind your husband's aversion to intimacy but I do know that you are not alone as other listeners have told us the same thing about their spouse. Regardless of which spouse is withholding intimacy it is a painful rejection, one that causes a “grief for what marriage could be” as one of our listeners put it. As you know from listening to the podcasts there have been seasons in our marriage where there has been tremendous emotional and sexual distance and it has been something that we have had to work hard to overcome. This work has involved choices for both of us. Do we value our marriage enough to make it more than what it is? Do I care enough about you to make a change in myself? Not easy questions and not easy to work through the pain and the past.

    In future podcasts (this week's has already been recorded) we will be addressing the fact that regardless of the nature of your marriage what we are trying to share are ways to improve marriage. If you can't relate to me because the roles are reversed in your marriage then perhaps listening to us and taking things from Tony's perspective would be more beneficial.

    Again, thank you for your feedback and I would love to offer you the opportunity to join us on the air to discuss how your marriage is different from ours.

    Alisa