Have you ever given any thought to the power the word NO has on your marriage?


What might be a minor decision for a wife/husband (do we or don’t we make love tonight) can have a larger impact on our marriages, especially if the rejection is repeated often.

Stop rejecting your spouse and watch your marriage flourish.

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17 thoughts on “003: REJECTION – OUR MCDONALD’S THEORY

  1. WOW. I'm sitting here listening to this, and it's like hearing about my own marriage in the past. Whether it was because of my depression (or nasty, libido-suppressing antidepressants) or being pregnant and sick and exhausted, there were HUGE stretches of time when I never initiated sex and said “no” more often than not. I was fortunate in that my husband was able (with much difficulty) to explain that sense of rejection to me, and I tried to be more acommodating, but it was still VERY difficult for me, both mentally and physically.

    I thank God that we've moved past most of those problems, but I still need to work on saying “yes” more. We're doing well these days without scheduling, but I'll definitely keep that idea in mind for future use.

  2. It's awesome to hear that the two of you were able to talk about this in the past. As a husband I give yours two thumbs up for communicating this to you and for you listening to him.

    A way that Alisa and I have been able to making “yes” a priority in our love making is this:
    We have decided to make love two times a week. I have initiate sex once per week (Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday) and Alisa has to initiate sex once a week (Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday). We take Saturday off to relax. Here's the thing, one the day/night that your spouse initiates you cannot say no. This is a gift that your spouse is giving you and you receive it with open arms. Now, if you have a migraine or something like that then we assume you have talked about this during the day and sex wouldn't be initiated.

    We have had such great success with this over the last 6 months that our love making is absolutely amazing. Say “YES” and enjoy this beautiful act that God has given us.


  3. Just a quick question…..so you're scheduling your days to initiate sex…..Now….what if it isn't your day to initiate and you want to initiate anyways?????

    Great ideas though…and I'm excited to share your podcasts with my husband. Maybe there's hope for us yet????!!!!!

  4. Jeanne,

    Great question! We actually had this happen a few weeks ago. We were in Tony's part of the week and I really felt the need to initiate…so I did. I lit the candles, made the bedroom and myself romantic and invited Tony to join me. Afterwards, I did ask him if he felt bothered by the fact that I had initiated during “his days”. He was not-I think he was probably in shock that I had initiated on an extra day during the week!

    Now, I don't plan on doing this every week. I think that what has happened over the last year and a half is that because we have made intimacy a priority in our marriage we have created an environment where we are very comfortable with each other so that it doesn't matter who initiates.

    I'm glad to hear that you are enjoying the podcasts and want to share them with your husband. And yes, there is always hope!


  5. This is a “Better Than McDonald’s Night” …. When I was in school we had a night during an initiation week of an organization I joined where we were required to attend and listen to some of the non-freshman students speak about internships and why/how you should go for them and strive to get one because an internship, especially one that leads to a job after graduation, is better than working at McDonald’s! Relating that to this podcast topic … you mentioned putting this on your time management device – well so many times with those blackberrys etc. people start to NOT take the time to build relationships (ie family unit) by having sit down home meals but by running to another event and grabbing McDonald’s on the way … well, if you decide to make your spouse your #1 priority that night, it is BETTER Than McDonald’s!!

  6. I just started listening at the recommendation of my girlfriend so you might see a number of comments appearing on old posts over the next couple months.

    With that being said, thank you for this episode. I love the McDonald’s analogy! Intimacy is so much more than a “yes-or-no question” for guys (and some women).

    I know for me, my reaction to shame fueled by rejection (both from my ex-wife and other women throughout my life) went deeper and farther that what Tony talks about … all the way to a prostitution arrest in December of 2010. Since I was a pastor at the time, it was quite the public scandal in the local community and across some sites on the internet.

    I don’t blame my ex or anyone else for what happened. I did what I did and it was wrong. But I also know that everything that happened set me on a quest to figure out what health looks like. While I’d spent time with conferences, counselors, other pastors, and any other resource I could find in years past, the same words over and over again rang hollow as they just told me to stop struggling and be more loving.

    One of the things I learned over the past year is just how powerful community and relationship can be, both for good and for ill.

    Almost 14 months later, I’m amazed at how different life is today. I have an amazing community of friends gathered around me … the kind of community that has open and honest relationships that provide encouragement, accountability, and support. I also have a girlfriend who affirms all aspects of my masculinity, including my sexuality (within certain faith-based limitations). With this network of people around me, people who echo my identity in Christ into my life, struggles of the past are fading and I’m moving forward with a new, positive, and restoried life.

    Thanks again for what you’re doing and how it encourages many who are struggling. I wish I’d had these words years ago.

    • Glad you took time to listen to the show Joe. Wow, you have been on one heck of a ride over the last couple of years. Community is huge and it is what Alisa and I hope folks will find here at ONE. A loving group of couples who are supporting each other to have marriages that are extraordinary.

      Keep moving forward as you know that God is right there beside you each and every day. On those days when there is to much for us to handle he is holding us in His arms. Keep living, learning, and loving.


  7. This podcast episode should be required listening for all pre-marriage counseling couples. Tony, you hit the nail on the head about rejection not just being ‘no peas tonight, thanks.’ I am scheduling a conversation with my wife for tonight to discuss this. Great stuff!

  8. So I was listening to this one again working through them all again for quotes… and after listening to this one I had a sudden realization- Gods loving correction actually. I thought (well he (my husband) used to reject me often in the first 11-12 years of our marriage but I never did that. BUT #1 i had- but as retribution for rejection where i would go weeks without wanting to- but he being low desire spouse didnt notice that much and so then i would give in to initiating again- much like Tony. #2 God spoke to me about the fact that I may be hurting him by rejecting him EMOTIONALLY. OOPS. Sometimes when he wants to talk about something that is important to him I make the Mcdonalds choice of to go or not to go- I say NOWAY within seconds and then just move on as if the conversation didnt happen. I know I know- COMMUNICATION. Im learning. We are learning! I guess He Zigs She zags is next on the to buy list. Point is- I was rejecting and hurting him emotionally as much as he had done a similar thing with sex. We have been communicating through state of our marriage conversations, and date nights… but in our day to day- I realized i say no very quickly. For instance – Tam will you think about playing your guitar and ill play my drums with you and we can sing for the outreach this coming week? I said NOWAY! Not in front of that many people! NO. My answer was no and that was that. Ha recognizing that damage came out and I need to work on thinking before i refuse him when he is initiating in ANY area of our intimacy. This one happened to be Spiritual/Recreational and I hurt him. The same way I shut him off with intellectual intimacy when he wanted to talk about me going to school again… I have recognized this today as i walked to work. Man those 2 hours of walking to work- I have serious enlightenment! I am long winded i know. But anyone reading this- realize how we can reject our spouse in any area of intimacy. I know Tony and Alisa- you have hit on this through podcasts- but for some reason it didnt hit me till now. Love you guys! PS- we are playing a set of music for an outreach this Thursday the 24th of July. #beaservantlover #rejectionhurts #ilovemyspouse

  9. There is so much I like about this scheduling idea.

    I like the idea that I would have sex at least once a week and this would keep me from pawing my wife and bugging her as much as I do now.
    I like the idea that we would agree to not say no. The rejection is such a huge thing for me. I am so surprised at how much this does push you to pursue other avenues for that intimacy.
    I like the idea of how it puts both my wife and I in the driver seat so that it isn’t always me initiating. I desire so much to be pursued.
    I like the idea that sex isn’t a tool anymore. I would barter with her all the time just to be close to her. And the sad part was that I could spend hours working on whatever she was wanting and then she would come into the bedroom that night and we would start her part of the bargain with, “Let’s get this over.” Talk about an ego punch to the stomach. And though we would engage in sex, I would feel empty afterwards.
    I like the idea that if you are wanting your spouse you can initiate them and if it isn’t your day, this gives them to option to say, “no” and not feel pressured or feel bad for saying no. Nothing worse that hearing “sorry” when being rejected. It comes across as disingenuous.

    You said in a previous comment, “I have to initiate sex once per week (Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday) and Alisa has to initiate sex once a week (Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday). We take Saturday off to relax. Here’s the thing, on the day/night that your spouse initiates you cannot say no.”

    I’m curious about is because you said, “has to initiate”; now I get that you have both decided to agree to this plan, but did you agree to both of you being required to initiate intimacy at least once during your days, or do you have the option to initiate intimacy or not at all?

    It seems that you would have to agree that both would be required to initiate intimacy to actually make this something that is not once sided. Does that sound right?

    And yes, I get this is fluid and is dependent on the individuals agreeing, but I would think the plan would not workout if the idea to initiate intimacy was removed or made an option. Once you do that, I’m not sure you reach that plateau you are talking about.

    Anyway, I’m curious on your thoughts about this as well as one more thing,

    Seeing as this podcast was done probably several years back, are you still following this plan and if so, what have changed or improved upon?


    • Albert,

      You ask a great question about how has The Intimacy Lifestyle has worked out over the years.


      It’s still part of our marriage even more than ever. Because we have received many questions about it over the years we’ve done a show all about it to go more in depth and to share how it has ebbed and flowed in our marriage over the last 7 years. You can listen in as we share about it here, https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/328-the-intimacy-lifestyle/

      Great to have you part of the ONE Family.

      Love you guys.

      • Thanks for pointing me to that podcast. That helps me understand it a lot more. I will be sharing that with my wife and seeing what she thinks. God bless

  10. I’m thankful I found this particular podcast. I am struggling with this very issue. For years, if my wife and I are intimate it’s up to me. We are in our mid 30s and have been married 17 years. We’ve had many discussions about how I feel to be rejected so often, and it’s almost like she just doesn’t care. Seriously, we might be intimate 1 or 2 times a month and when we do, it’s in the same place, with the lights off. When I do initiate, there is always a sigh or some sort of reluctance. I am crushed and it’s starting to be more than I can handle. I love and adore her. I complement her often and receive nothing in return. She says she loves me and I believe that, but there is no affection. Today I asked her if she would listen to this podcast and she said she would. She said she knows that she doesn’t show affection like she should. I’m hoping and praying that she can see that she’s not alone, that other women have lived this way, and that it can change. Please pray that she hears something that will help her. I’m willing to change anything I can to help our relationship. Thank you again for sharing your life and marriage with us.

  11. Just listened to this episode. I’ve definitely done the stalling tactics with my husband. I have a hard time getting over the idea that if I don’t want to do it, I’m supposed to just go along with it. If I don’t feel close with my husband emotionally, I don’t want to have sex. He wants to skip right over the emotional stuff and go straight for the sex. I’ve ‘gone along with it’ many times, and it’s NOT GOOD. I feel not into it during, and feel like I’ve completely sold myself out afterwards, and am not being true to myself and my own feelings. How do you reconcile this?