Recreational Intimacy: The Joy of Playing Together

What Is Recreational Intimacy?

Recreational intimacy is all about what you do together at home, on dates, or just for fun. It’s the plans you make to spend time together, doing things you enjoy, having fun.

As Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo teach: Dating your spouse means spending time with them on a regular basis with purpose. All three aspects of this definition are crucial.

Think about when you were first dating. You couldn’t wait to be together. You planned activities, tried new things, and laughed together. Recreational intimacy is about keeping that spirit alive throughout your marriage.

Dates are the glue that can help hold you two together.

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Why Recreational Intimacy Matters

Research confirms what happily married couples already know:

• Married couples who spend time together weekly are 3.5 times more likely to report being happy in their relationship
• Going on a date even just once a month can lower your chances of divorce by 14%
• Couples who play together are more likely to stay together

When you stop having fun together, you start drifting apart. Life gets busy. Work demands attention. Kids need care. Before you know it, you’re living parallel lives under the same roof.

Busy seasons of life are not an excuse not to date your spouse. It may require more planning and intentionality, but it is vital for keeping you and your spouse close and connected.

Ultimately, when you’re fostering recreational intimacy, you want to build a vibrant marriage instead of just tolerating a stale one.

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Signs of Strong Recreational Intimacy

When this pillar is thriving:

• You have regular date nights on the calendar
• You try new activities together
• You can name things you both enjoy doing
• Laughter is common in your home
• You plan fun activities together
• You look forward to time together
• You have shared hobbies or interests

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Signs Your Recreational Intimacy Needs Work

Cracks in your recreational intimacy pillar often show up as:

• You can’t remember your last date
• All your time together involves chores, kids, or logistics
• Fun feels like a luxury you can’t afford
• You have no shared hobbies or interests
• You’re always “too busy” for fun
• Conversations are purely functional
• You feel more like business partners than lovers

Talking about going on a date isn’t the same as doing it.

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The Three Parts of Dating Your Spouse

Part 1: Spend Time With Them

Quality time means being fully present. Not just in the same room, but genuinely focused on each other.

Quality time is not:

• Watching TV in the same room while scrolling phones
• Eating dinner while answering emails
• Attending kids’ events together without connecting

Quality time is:

• Eye contact and focused conversation
• Shared experiences you both enjoy
• Moments where you’re truly together, not just nearby

Part 2: On a Regular Basis

Consistency matters more than grand gestures. A weekly date night beats an annual expensive getaway.

Regular could mean:

• Weekly date nights (ideal)
• Bi-weekly dates (minimum)
• Daily moments of connection that build up

The key is rhythm. When dates are on the calendar regularly, they happen. When they’re “whenever we can,” they rarely do.

Part 3: With Purpose

Intentionality transforms time together from coincidence to connection.

Dating with purpose means:

• Planning activities that foster connection
• Having conversations that go deeper than logistics
• Creating experiences you’ll remember
• Investing in your relationship, not just passing time

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3 Steps to Date Your Spouse

Step 1: Get the Ideas Flowing

Start by building your date idea toolkit:

Create a “Top 10 List”: Each of you writes down your ten ideal dates. Compare lists and find overlaps. This gives you months of date night material.

Build a “Low-Cost Dates” List: Cost doesn’t have to be an excuse. Brainstorm dates you can do for free or under $20. Picnics, walks, home-cooked dinners, game nights, stargazing, library visits, cooking together.

Try New Things: Don’t get stuck in a date night rut. Periodically try something neither of you has done before.

Step 2: Communicate Expectations

Before implementing regular dates, discuss:

Planning Responsibility: Who plans which dates? Many couples alternate by month, quarter, or even-odd weeks. Taking turns planning dates is a gift you and your spouse can give each other.

Attention Expectations: Phones away? No talk about kids or work? Clarify what “date mode” means for you.

Budget: How much will you spend on dates? What’s your monthly budget? How will you allocate funds throughout the month?

Sex Expectations: This is worth discussing openly. Does date night automatically mean sex afterward? Having this conversation prevents misunderstandings and disappointment.

Step 3: Follow Through and Have Fun

This is where many couples fail. You make great plans, then life intervenes.

Protect your date time like you would a medical appointment. The date makes the calendar, and then the calendar is respected. Your marriage deserves at least as much priority as a dentist visit.

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Date Ideas by Budget

Free Dates

• Take a walk in your neighborhood or a local park
• Have a picnic with food from home
• Watch the sunset together
• Play cards or board games
• Cook a new recipe together
• Have a backyard campfire
• Do a puzzle together
• Dance in your living room
• Look through old photos and share memories
• Stargaze

Under $25 Dates

• Coffee shop date
• Ice cream outing
• Rent a movie and make popcorn
• Visit a local museum (many have free days)
• Attend a free community event
• Split an appetizer at a restaurant
• Go bowling
• Visit a farmers market

$25-$50 Dates

• Dinner at a casual restaurant
• Mini golf
• Movie theater with snacks
• Concert in the park
• Cooking class
• Escape room
• Bowling and dinner

Splurge Dates (Occasionally)

• Nice dinner out
• Weekend getaway
• Concert or show
• Spa day
• Adventure activity (zip lining, kayaking)
• Bed and breakfast stay

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Overcoming Common Barriers

“We Don’t Have Time”

If you have time for Netflix, social media, and errands, you have time for dates. It’s a matter of priority, not availability.

Start small: Even 30 minutes of intentional time together counts. Schedule it, protect it, and do it consistently.

“We Can’t Afford It”

Many of the best dates are free. A walk, a home-cooked dinner, a game night, a conversation on the porch with a cup of coffee. Cost doesn’t have to be an excuse.

“We Don’t Have a Babysitter”

Get creative:

• Swap babysitting with another couple
• Put kids to bed early and have an at-home date
• Take a lunch date while kids are at school
• Ask grandparents for occasional help
• Hire a responsible teenager

“We Don’t Have Any Shared Interests”

This is an opportunity, not a dead end. Try new things together. You might discover shared interests you didn’t know existed. And sometimes, the point isn’t the activity. It’s the time together.

If you’re not interested in what your spouse wants to do, if you’re not interested in who your spouse is, somebody else will be. Being interested in what your spouse is interested in, and just trying it, matters.

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Recreational Intimacy Strengthens Other Pillars

Date nights aren’t just about fun. They create space for connection across all six pillars:

Emotional Intimacy: Quality time creates opportunity for deep conversation

Physical Intimacy: Dates create natural opportunities for holding hands, cuddling, kissing

Sexual Intimacy: Many couples find that regular date nights improve their sex life

Financial Intimacy: Planning dates together requires financial conversations

Spiritual Intimacy: Some dates can include spiritual elements: serving together, attending a worship event, praying before meals

Tony and Alisa often teach: “Massage can be a date (incorporate 3 pillars at once).” Creative dates can strengthen multiple pillars simultaneously.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How often should we go on dates?

At minimum, once a month (14% divorce reduction). Ideally, weekly. Even if “dates” are simple, consistent connection matters more than elaborate outings.

Does watching TV together count as a date?

It depends. Sitting on the same couch while both scrolling phones? No. Cuddling together, phones away, watching something you both chose together? That can count. The key is intentional connection, not just physical proximity.

What if we’re too tired for date nights?

Consider your date timing. Many couples find that daytime dates (lunch, morning coffee, afternoon walk) work better than evening dates when energy is low. Or try dating at home after kids are in bed.

How do we get out of a date night rut?

The “Top 10 List” exercise helps. So does alternating planning responsibility. Try something you’ve never done before. Ask friends for ideas. The goal is variety and intentionality.

What if one spouse doesn’t want to date?

Explore why. Is it exhaustion? Feeling disconnected? Not enjoying the types of dates you’ve been doing? Have an honest conversation about what would make dates appealing to them. Sometimes changing the approach changes the attitude.

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Featured Resources on Recreational Intimacy

Explore these articles for more on building fun into your marriage:

• Date Your Spouse: 3 Simple Steps – Getting started with dating
• 15 Cheap Date Night Ideas – Budget-friendly fun
• 25 Stocking Stuffer Ideas for Married Couples – Fun gifts that encourage connection
• Christmas Gift Ideas for Couples – Experience gifts that create memories
• Menopause Gifts for Your Wife – Thoughtful gifts for this season

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The 6 Pillars of Intimacy Framework

Recreational intimacy is one of six interconnected pillars that support an extraordinary marriage:

1. Emotional Intimacy – The foundation of communication and vulnerability
2. Physical Intimacy – Non-sexual touch that creates connection
3. Sexual Intimacy – The romantic and sexual connection
4. Financial Intimacy – Partnership in money matters
5. Spiritual Intimacy – Shared faith and values
6. Recreational Intimacy – Fun and play together

Recreational intimacy often serves as a vehicle for strengthening all the other pillars. When you’re having fun together, every other form of connection becomes easier.

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Take the Next Step

In all thy getting and gathering in your marriage, don’t forget the fun.

This week, take action: 1. Put a date on the calendar for the next two weeks 2. Ask your spouse what they’d enjoy doing 3. Make it happen

Your marriage is worth protecting. And protection looks like prioritizing time together.

For a comprehensive understanding of all six pillars, pick up a copy of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy by Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo.

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Resources to Help

• 5 Day Intimacy Challenge
• Marriage Coaching
• The 6 Pillars of Intimacy Book