Sexual Intimacy: Building a Thriving Sex Life in Marriage

What Is Sexual Intimacy?

Sexual intimacy encompasses everything about your sexual connection with your spouse. This includes romance, initiation, foreplay, and sexual intercourse itself. But here’s what many couples miss: sexual intimacy goes way beyond, “Hey, wanna have sex?”

As Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo teach in The 6 Pillars of Intimacy, “Sexual intimacy isn’t just sex, and it isn’t something to be overlooked, dismissed, or weaponized.”

When the other five pillars of intimacy are strong, sexual intimacy has the potential to become exceptional. That’s because true sexual connection requires closeness and connection across every dimension of your relationship.

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Why Sexual Intimacy Matters

There’s no two ways about it: Sex is h-e-a-l-t-h-y.

Sexual intimacy in marriage:

• Strengthens your bond: Regular physical connection releases hormones that keep you attached to each other
• Reduces stress: Sexual release lowers cortisol and creates feelings of peace and wellbeing
• Improves health: Better sleep, stronger immune function, and improved cardiovascular health are all linked to regular sexual activity
• Communicates love: Sexual desire for your spouse tells them they are wanted and cherished
• Provides pleasure: God designed sex for both procreation and pleasure

Your sex life serves as a barometer, compass, and treatment plan for your married life. When things are good in the bedroom, it often reflects connection across other areas. When things struggle, it’s often a signal that other pillars need attention.

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Sexual Intimacy Is a Buffet, Not a Single Dish

One of the most transformative shifts couples can make is expanding their definition of sexual intimacy.

Consider your sexual intimacy like a buffet. There is so much to choose from! While intercourse might not be on the table sometimes, other options exist.

An expanded definition of sexual intimacy includes:

• Flirting
• Sexy texting
• Romantic gestures
• Edging
• Oral sex
• Massages
• Subtle touches
• Extended foreplay
• And much more

When both spouses participate for the other’s benefit, there is an exponential return on investment!

Expanding the definition of sexual intimacy to include other acts creates more opportunities for connection and minimizes rejection. If intercourse isn’t possible due to health, timing, or other factors, couples with a broader definition still have ways to connect sexually.

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The 4 Components of Sexual Intimacy

Understanding these four components helps couples identify where their sexual connection might need attention:

1. Romance

Romance creates the emotional atmosphere for sexual connection. It includes:

• Thoughtful gestures throughout the day
• Words that express desire and appreciation
• Creating anticipation for time together
• Making your spouse feel pursued and wanted

2. Initiation

If it’s always left up to one of you to initiate, one of you becomes the gatekeeper and the other is constantly at risk of rejection.

Both spouses should share the responsibility of initiation. When a wife puts on matching underwear before her husband comes home, that’s initiation. When a husband texts his wife that he’s thinking about her, that’s initiation.

Initiation communicates: “I desire you. I want to be close to you.”

3. Foreplay

Foreplay can start as early as “Good Morning.”

Too many couples think of foreplay as the few minutes before intercourse. But foreplay includes every emotionally and physically intimate act that builds toward connection. A flirty text at lunch is foreplay. A long hug when you get home is foreplay. Helping with the kids so your spouse can relax is foreplay.

Don’t rush through foreplay. Play with each other until you can’t take it anymore.

4. Sexual Intercourse

Intercourse is one part of sexual intimacy, not the whole thing. When couples reduce sex to just intercourse, they miss the richness of the full experience.

That said, intercourse is an important part of sexual connection for most couples. It represents the ultimate physical union and creates a bond that’s unique to marriage.

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Common Challenges to Sexual Intimacy

Mismatched Libido

Different desire levels are normal. Very few couples have perfectly matched libidos. The goal isn’t identical desire but finding a rhythm that works for both of you.

Communication is key: What are your needs? What are your spouse’s needs? Where can you meet in the middle?

Stress

Stress directly impacts sexual function. Women take longer than men to clear stress hormones, up to 24 hours versus 9 hours. This means stress from the day can still be affecting your wife at bedtime.

Three ways stress affects sexual intimacy: 1. Stress affects your body and mind, making it hard to be present 2. Stress affects your sex organs (erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness) 3. Stress affects your sexual attraction to each other

The best thing you can do for your marriage when it comes to stress is to interrupt the stress response. But you only have about 10 seconds to do so. Relax your body, smile, and remind yourself of what matters.

Routine

When sex becomes predictable, it can feel more like duty than desire. Change things up. Enjoy awake sex when you’re fully engaged. Try different times, locations, and approaches.

There is no rule, no law, that states that sex is ONLY at the end of the day. Morning sex, afternoon delight, lunch breaks at home, all are options.

Duty Sex

Duty sex is not good for either spouse. Rather than bringing us together, it divides us.

If sex feels like an obligation rather than a desire, something needs attention. Usually, it’s one of the other pillars. When emotional, physical, or spiritual intimacy is weak, sexual intimacy often feels forced.

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Foreplay: An All-Day Approach

Foreplay isn’t just the 10 minutes before sex. When both spouses participate for the other’s benefit, there is an exponential return on investment.

Consider these foreplay practices throughout your day:

Morning: A lingering kiss, a whispered “I’m thinking about tonight,” a genuine compliment about how they look

Midday: A flirty text, a call just to say you’re thinking about them, anticipation-building messages

Evening: Physical touch when you reunite, genuine attention and conversation, helping with tasks so neither is exhausted

Before Bed: Massage, extended kissing, undressing each other, taking your time

When foreplay is an all-day activity, the moments before intercourse are a continuation of connection, not a rushed warmup.

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The Connection Between Pillars

Sexual intimacy doesn’t exist in isolation. It’s deeply connected to every other pillar:

Emotional Intimacy: When you communicate well and feel emotionally safe, sexual vulnerability comes more naturally. When you learn to communicate better, it will spill over into your bedroom.

Physical Intimacy: Non-sexual touch builds the foundation for sexual touch. You can have physical intimacy without sexual intimacy, but you cannot have sexual intimacy without some aspect of physical intimacy.

Spiritual Intimacy: For many couples, spiritual intimacy can be more intimate than sex. Praying together creates a vulnerability that deepens all forms of connection.

Financial Intimacy: Financial stress is a major libido killer. Couples who are united financially often have stronger sexual connection.

Recreational Intimacy: Having fun together keeps you connected and maintains attraction. Couples who play together often stay together in the bedroom too.

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When Sexual Intimacy Has Been Damaged

After Pornography

Pornography systematically destroys the intimate connection between you and your spouse in all 6 Pillars of Intimacy.

If pornography has been part of your marriage, rebuilding sexual intimacy requires:

• Complete honesty about the extent of the problem
• Professional help from a counselor or coach
• Accountability systems
• Patience as trust rebuilds
• Focus on all six pillars, not just the sexual

The good news: Many couples report even stronger sexual intimacy after walking through recovery together.

After Betrayal

If trust has been broken through emotional or physical affairs, sexual intimacy will require time to rebuild. There are no shortcuts. Consistent actions that match words, over time, can restore what was lost.

After a Sexless Season

Many couples go through seasons where sexual intimacy drops significantly. Illness, childbirth, stress, and life transitions can all reduce sexual activity.

A sex challenge can be about so much more than sex. It can help change your marriage for the better. Consider a structured approach to rebuilding your sexual connection, whether that’s a 7-day challenge or a longer commitment to prioritizing intimacy.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How often should married couples have sex?

There is no magic number. The right frequency is what works for both of you. Some couples are satisfied with once a week; others want daily connection. What matters is that you’re talking about it and finding a rhythm that meets both spouses’ needs.

What if my spouse isn’t interested in sex?

Start by exploring why. Is there physical discomfort? Emotional disconnection? Stress? Past hurt? Often, lack of interest in sex signals something that needs attention in another pillar. Approach the conversation with curiosity, not accusation.

Is it okay to schedule sex?

Absolutely. In fact, scheduling sex can improve your sex life. We schedule everything else that matters. Why not intimacy? Scheduled sex isn’t less romantic. It’s prioritized intimacy.

What about when one spouse wants more sex than the other?

This is one of the most common challenges in marriage. Communication is essential. The higher-desire spouse needs to feel desired, not like a burden. The lower-desire spouse needs to feel respected, not pressured. Finding middle ground requires honest conversation and often compromise from both sides.

Does sex get better or worse with years of marriage?

It should get better. The longer you’ve been married, the better your sex life should be. In theory, you have a lot of experience with the same person. You’re going to know what works and what doesn’t. Couples who invest in their sexual intimacy often find their best sex happens after decades together.

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Featured Resources on Sexual Intimacy

Explore these articles for more on building sexual connection:

• 3 Benefits of Naked Cuddling – Building physical connection
• 3 Deep Penetration Positions for Married Couples – Practical guidance
• Benefits of Sleeping Naked with Your Spouse – Skin-to-skin connection
• 13 Ideas for Spicier Foreplay – Keeping things exciting
• How to Fix a Sexless Marriage – Rebuilding when sex has stopped
• 3 Ways Stress Affects Sex and Intimacy – Understanding stress barriers

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The 6 Pillars of Intimacy Framework

Sexual intimacy is one of six interconnected pillars that support an extraordinary marriage:

1. Emotional Intimacy – The foundation of communication and vulnerability
2. Physical Intimacy – Non-sexual touch that creates connection
3. Sexual Intimacy – The romantic and sexual connection
4. Financial Intimacy – Partnership in money matters
5. Spiritual Intimacy – Shared faith and values
6. Recreational Intimacy – Fun and play together

When the other five pillars are strong, sexual intimacy has the potential to become exceptional. When sexual intimacy struggles, it’s often a signal that one or more other pillars needs attention.

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Take the Next Step

Your marriage is worth the investment. A thriving sex life doesn’t happen by accident. It requires intention, communication, and commitment from both spouses.

As a married couple, you have to talk about your sex life. Start the conversation this week:

• What’s working well in our sexual connection?
• What would you like more of?
• What would you like less of?
• How can we better meet each other’s needs?

For couples serious about transforming their sexual intimacy, Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo’s programs provide structured guidance. And for those facing significant challenges, marriage coaching offers personalized support.

For a comprehensive understanding of all six pillars, pick up a copy of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy by Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo.

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Resources to Help

• 5 Day Intimacy Challenge
• The 6 Pillars of Intimacy Book
• Foreplay to Passion Program