Isn’t it ironic that it is only called snooping when there is something to hide?

Have You Ever Checked Your Spouse's Phone-

Maybe you have been the one to hide something or maybe it was your spouse.

When secrets start to creep into the marriage that’s when the accusations of snooping, spying, and going through “my stuff” start to surface.

A 2014 survey of 13,132 couples in the US discovered that 1 in 5 men, and 25% of women are guilty of checking their partner’s phones.

Even if you aren’t digging through your spouse’s phone, there are silent ways that distrust can sneak into even the best of marriages.

If trust is an area you are struggling with in your marriage or relationship, you can rebuild the trust.

#1: Finding Connection In Other Places Than Your Partner

Over time many couples often struggle with a breakdown in their connection.

This can take the form of less talking, less time together and even less intimacy.

When the two of you aren’t connected it’s easy to look outside of the marriage for connection or satisfaction.

Be aware of looking for connection in other places outside your marriage.

That doesn’t always look like the obvious – infidelity. Couples on the brink of a connection crash may find themselves (or their partners) over indulging in secret shopping, confiding in others outside the marriage about issues, or obsessively over focusing on hobbies, etc.

Especially if any of these are out of character from your normal routines.

Each one could start to chip away at the trust you have with your spouse if not addressed.

#2: Failing to Cultivate Creativity or Falling Into Routines

Biologically, we are hard-wired to crave variety.

Studies have shown that couples who share new and exciting experiences together are more committed and less likely to get bored.

Marriages are one of the few things in life that may get more challenging over time. If you feel like you’re stuck in a rut or like your marriage has gone stale, then it may be time to inject some energy into it.

What did you used to do for fun together but no longer do?

What do you talk about getting to but haven’t?

Creativity doesn’t take a ton of time or cash.

If your date nights usually consist of dinner and a movie, then opt for a cooking class or theatre performance. If you usually watch Netflix on the couch, choose to take an evening walk or work on a new project together.

Sometimes when people get bored they look for excitement in other places.

Make your marriage an epicentre of creativity for yourself and spouse to set yourself up for long term success (and a whole heck of a lot of fun!)

#3: Life Outside Marriage

In every relationship, it’s important that both husbands and wives have their own lives outside of the marriage. This means their own friends, hobbies, interests and space. After all, even the most dedicated introvert needs closeness with others.

But have you ever talked about what those relationships and commitments look like or how much alone time you need to feel healthy, happy, and rejuvenated?

Most couples don’t start off their marriage saying things like, “This is how we are going to set up our marriage in regard to friendships, money, telling the truth, etc.”

There seems to be this expectation that things will just go the way that they are supposed to.

Unfortunately, without expressed what we like to call “guardrails,” the ability to step over the line into conflict in a way that disrupts your marriage can be quite easy.

We encourage all spouses to take some time to discuss each of these areas outside their relationship.

A few questions to consider may be:

How much time apart does each spouse want (or need) to like they still have a life outside their marriage?

What expectations do we have around purchases? At what price point do we need to come together as a team and make a decision?

What does telling the “truth” in our relationship look like? What does it NOT look like?

A bonus of discussing life outside your marriage is it will make you two come together even stronger inside your marriage.

If you have been checking your spouse’s phone and trust has been an area that you’ve struggled with — or you’d just love to invest in learning specific ways to strengthen trust in your marriage, don’t miss Trust Me! Restore, Renew and Rebuild Your Foundation. You’ll learn how you can rebuild the trust in your marriage in healthy and practical ways.

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  1. I love this article. Sadly I have become a phone checker. I have difficult in laws and I often feel like there are secrets that are between them and my husband or talk from my in laws to my husband about our life. PLUS after almost FIVE years of mother in law still texts or calls my husband at least 5 days a week. It drives me crazy. So even though there’s no excuse for checking his phone… It has started to feel like he’s cheating on me with his mom.. he hides messages from her, he keeps his phone on him at all times, etc. This is what drove me to check his phone. I have worked very hard to stop and have done well but it still comes to mind. This article really hit home. Thank you…as usual…you guys hit it right on the head.

  2. I checked my wife’s phone once because she said it wasn’t working. I got it up and running only to find that she was having a relationship with another man. After confronting her about it she was gone for three days hanging out with him until he finally came to his senses and sent her home. A month later he committed suicide. My marriage has never been the same since.

    Point of the story: There is no privacy in marriage, you agree to be an open book, but be careful, because what you find could be exactly what you are afraid of finding.

  3. My wife used to get so mad at me when I would find out about the other guys she was talking to…said the only reason I was hurt was because I found out.. funny, that reasoning didn’t fly when she found out about my affair… luckily or rather by the grace of God and some good friends we both decided to grow up and love each other as we vowed we would. 13 months later we are still healing but we trust each other now more than ever. We know each other’s passwords and everything is open…it is unbelievably relaxing to be able to leave your phone on the counter and not worry about your spouse checking it