HOW HOLDING HANDS CAN BOOST PHYSICAL INTIMACY

Holding hands never goes out of style. It is an aspect of physical intimacy that builds a sense of connection and oneness. But if you can’t remember the last time you held hands with your spouse, it’s time to reintroduce this simple act into your marriage. It might just change everything. 

Holding Hands Throughout Life

Think about the first time you and your spouse held hands. It may have been in your early days or weeks of dating each other. When your hands touched, sparks flew. You may have felt a rush of adrenaline or giddiness. Holding hands in public signified that the two of you were together as a couple. It was a thrill. 

On your wedding day, you held hands again as you said your vows and exchanged rings. You made a vow “to have and to hold.” On this day, the two of you become one. You were pronounced “husband and wife,” and you walked back down the aisle hand in hand, a team. 

But over time, holding hands can feel insignificant. If you have children, they may literally come between you and your spouse. As you walk down the street, you and your spouse stand on either side of your child. You hold your child’s hands rather than each other’s.

In different seasons of life, busyness and stress can pull you apart. Think back to your last Christmas. During a season when you have every excuse to cozy up next to your spouse and hold their hand to keep warm, did you? Or were you instead overwhelmed with travel, spending time with relatives, or preparing for the holidays? 

Sometimes, holding hands is the last thing on your mind. But when you stop holding hands with your spouse, you lose out on crucial benefits to your marriage. Spouses must make a conscious effort to be physically intimate, even in the most stressful and busy seasons. 

Benefits of Holding Hands

Physical Intimacy is one of the 6 Pillars of Intimacy® for a reason. Non-sexual touch strengthens a marriage. It promotes connection. And there are several physical and mental benefits of physical touch. 

Loving touch, such as holding hands, reduces cortisol, the stress hormone, and increases oxytocin, the love hormone. Simply holding the hand of your spouse can decrease your levels of stress. Additionally, strong physical intimacy can lead to increased satisfaction in both your marriage and your life. 

Holding hands can evoke feelings of security, belonging, and peace. It may signify to your spouse that they have your full attention and are important to you. It can also silently communicate affection. In a quiet moment, one spouse might lovingly rub their thumb on the back of the other’s hand.

Prioritizing loving touch can affect other areas of your marriage, especially sexual intimacy. You can have physical intimacy without sexual intimacy, but it’s nearly impossible to have sexual intimacy with your spouse without some aspect of physical intimacy. Just as you prioritize sexual intimacy, you must prioritize non-sexual touch.  

Implement Hand-Holding in Your Marriage

Holding hands with your spouse is a great way to strengthen your Physical Intimacy Pillar. It may take some time to become a habit.

Talk with your spouse about your expectations of holding hands. During this conversation, discuss three essential aspects: where, how, and why. 

Where and When to Hold Hands

There are many times and places to hold your spouse’s hand. However, not every time or location is ideal.

For example, some couples may prefer to hold hands while sitting in church or walking through the park. Others may like holding hands while eating or watching a movie. 

It is important to ask your spouse when and where they feel comfortable holding hands. Do they prefer holding hands at home rather than in public? Would they like to hold hands around relatives but not their boss? Discussing these preferences is an important step in implementing hand-holding in your marriage.  

How and Why to Hold Hands

Physical Intimacy establishes connection between spouses. It is one of six pillars that creates an extraordinary marriage. Talk with your spouse about why non-sexual physical touch is important for your marriage and how you will implement it.

Discuss whether holding hands makes you and your spouse feel connected to each other. If so, choose to prioritize holding hands even if one or both of you  think you aren’t “touchy-feely.” 

If holding hands does not make you or your spouse feel close and connected, discuss what does. Perhaps placing your hand on other parts of your spouse’s body–such as their thigh, arm, or shoulder–makes them feel more connected than holding hands. If you want to find new places to touch lovingly, explore erogenous zones with your spouse.

Be mindful that your spouse’s (and your own) preferred touches may change over time. One of you may not have enjoyed holding hands when your relationship began. But that may have changed! 

When you have these conversations, you must be open and honest. If your spouse asks you when or where you prefer to hold hands, don’t shrug off the question by saying, “I don’t know.” Instead, offer a genuine answer. If things change over time, vocalize your new preferences. 

Guard Against Cracks in the Physical Intimacy Pillar

Unfortunately, one of the first areas to experience disconnect when life gets stressful is the Physical Intimacy Pillar. During busy or stressful seasons, loving touches may get pushed to the back burner. But this leads to cracks in your Physical Intimacy Pillar. 

When any of the 6 Pillars of Intimacy® develops a crack, it can lead to challenges in other pillars. Cracks in a different pillar may also impact your physical intimacy. For example, you or your spouse may feel less drawn to touch each other when you don’t feel connected emotionally. You need to get to the root of what is causing your physical disconnect. 

If you sense that your marriage has cracks with physical intimacy or another pillar, ask yourself:

• Is it hard for me to reach out and touch my spouse? 
• Has a lack of touch created tension between us? 
• Do we feel more like roommates than husband and wife? 

Answering “yes” to any of these questions may indicate that you need to seek healing and restoration. There may be cracks in your Physical Intimacy Pillar or any other of the 6 Pillars of Intimacy®. To improve your marriage with personal help, apply for marriage coaching.

Cracks in a pillar may look different in every situation. But quickly recognizing and addressing potential cracks can help avoid more pain in the future. 

The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®

Every couple needs a framework for addressing areas in their marriage. The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® provides the vocabulary for spouses to describe what is happening in their marriage. In this book, you’ll learn what to do when cracks appear in any pillar of intimacy, how to repair them, and how to prevent many cracks from happening in the first place.

Don’t waste time trying to grasp for straws when talking with your spouse about what is going on between you. The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® is the framework to help the two of you deepen the closeness and connection in your marriage. Purchase your copy of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® today.