Sexless Marriage: Why It Happens and How to Rebuild Intimacy

When was the last time you felt truly desired by your spouse? If you have to stop and think about it, you’re not alone.

We know this pain firsthand. After 11 years of marriage, Tony and I found ourselves living as roommates. We’d overcome significant challenges together—his 18-year pornography addiction, the loss of our child at 18 weeks, over $50,000 in debt—but somehow we still weren’t growing closer. We were sharing a home, raising kids, splitting chores. But lovers? That felt like a distant memory.

A sexless marriage affects 15-20% of couples at any given time. The statistics might feel validating, but they don’t make the loneliness any less real. You’re not broken. You’re not alone. And this can change.

This article walks you through why marriages become sexless, what it does to both spouses, and most importantly—how to rebuild the intimate connection you’re missing. We’ll share the framework that transformed our own marriage and has helped thousands of couples move from roommates back to passionate spouses.

What Is a Sexless Marriage?

Experts generally define a sexless marriage as having sex fewer than 10 times per year. But here’s what we’ve learned after 900+ podcast episodes and years of coaching couples: the label matters far less than what it represents.

Some couples have sex twice a month and feel completely disconnected. Others have sex less frequently but maintain deep intimacy through other forms of closeness. The real issue isn’t a number on a calendar—it’s the disconnection that typically accompanies it.

When we talk about a sexless marriage, we’re really talking about a relationship where the sexual pillar has cracked, often bringing other areas of intimacy down with it.

This is why we developed The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® framework. Sexual intimacy is just one of six essential pillars that hold up a strong marriage. When it weakens, it rarely stays isolated. Cracks spread from pillar to pillar until the whole structure feels unstable.

The good news? When you understand that a sexless marriage is a symptom—not the disease—you can start addressing the real causes.

Why Marriages Become Sexless (The Real Reasons)

“We’re just too busy” is what most couples say when they haven’t been intimate in weeks or months. And yes, life gets overwhelming. But busy schedules aren’t usually the root cause. They’re the excuse that covers deeper patterns.

Emotional Disconnection Comes First

Here’s something we’ve seen over and over: the bedroom problems almost always start somewhere else.

When emotional intimacy breaks down—when you stop sharing your feelings, thoughts, and desires with each other—physical intimacy follows. You can’t expect your body to want connection when your heart feels distant.

Tony and I call this “roommate syndrome.” It’s when you’re co-parents and housemates, not lovers. A good analogy is that it felt like being in the same grocery store at the same time, but not shopping together or discussing what needs to be purchased.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not failing at sex. You’re likely experiencing cracks in your emotional intimacy that show up in the bedroom.

Common Causes Through the 6 Pillars of Intimacy® Lens

Unresolved Conflict (Emotional Intimacy Breakdown)

When resentment builds up and conflicts go unaddressed, desire dies. You can’t feel safe being physically vulnerable with someone you’re emotionally guarded against.

We’ve learned this the hard way: you repeat what you don’t repair. Those unspoken frustrations and score-keeping patterns create walls between you. And walls don’t belong in the bedroom.

Life Transitions

Kids, career changes, health issues, aging parents—life throws curveballs that demand your attention and energy. If you’re not intentional about protecting your connection during these seasons, you’ll wake up one day as strangers who share a mortgage.

Desire Discrepancy

One of you wants sex more than the other. This is nearly universal in marriage. But how you handle this gap determines everything.

When the higher-desire spouse feels constantly rejected, they withdraw. When the lower-desire spouse feels pressured, they resist. The dance of rejection and pursuit becomes its own destructive cycle.

The Avoidance Cycle

Rejection breeds more rejection. After enough “not tonight” responses, the pursuing spouse often stops asking. They protect themselves from pain by shutting down desire altogether. And the rejecting spouse? They may not even realize what’s happened until the distance becomes impossible to ignore.

One woman wrote to us: “When the nagging stops, you better be scared. Because your spouse no longer cares.” It was a wake-up call she almost received too late.

The Effects of a Sexless Marriage

A lack of intimacy ripples through every area of your marriage. We’ve heard from both husbands and wives about the pain this causes.

On Husbands

Men in sexless marriages often feel:

• Rejected and undesirable – questioning their attractiveness and worth
• Emotionally isolated – withdrawing to protect themselves from more rejection
• Disconnected from purpose – wondering what’s wrong with them or the marriage
• Tempted – looking elsewhere for validation (even if they never act on it)

We hear from husbands every day. Tony says, “Believe me, there are people out there willing to fill that void.” Rejection accumulation is one of the leading doorways to emotional and physical affairs.

On Wives

Women in sexless marriages often experience:

• Guilt and pressure – feeling like they’re failing their spouse
• Confusion about identity – feeling like an object when approached sexually or invisible when not
• Exhaustion – already depleted by life’s demands
• Loneliness – missing the closeness that sex once represented

What many wives need but don’t know how to ask for: emotional connection before physical connection. Sex that starts with conversation and tenderness, not just a tap on the shoulder at 11 PM.

On the Marriage Itself

Research consistently shows that marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction are deeply connected. Couples who go years without physical intimacy often report:

• Feeling more like business partners than spouses
• Erosion of trust and vulnerability
• Increased conflict in other areas
• Higher consideration of separation or divorce

The pillar analogy proves true here: when one pillar cracks, the weight shifts to the others. Eventually, they start cracking too.

How to Fix a Sexless Marriage: The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® Approach

We need to be honest with you: there’s no quick fix.

Scheduling sex when you haven’t addressed the underlying issues is like putting a bandage on a broken bone. It might cover the wound, but it won’t heal it.

Real change requires working on multiple pillars, often starting with the least obvious one.

Start with Assessment

Before you can rebuild, you need to understand which pillars are cracked in your marriage. Sexual intimacy is the visible problem, but is it the root cause?

Ask yourself:

• When did we last have a meaningful conversation that wasn’t about logistics?
• When did we last touch each other without it leading to sex (or the expectation of sex)?
• Are we praying together? Sharing our faith struggles?
• Are we having fun together, or just surviving together?
• Are we aligned on our finances, or is money a source of tension?

Your answers will reveal where the work needs to begin.

Step 1: Rebuild Emotional Intimacy First

If you’re not emotionally connected, physical connection will feel hollow or pressured.

Start here:

• Create daily connection rituals. Ten minutes of real conversation each day—no phones, no distractions. Not about the kids or the calendar. About each other.
• Process old wounds. Those unspoken resentments need to come out. Not as weapons, but as honesty that clears the path forward.
• Ask intentional questions. Move beyond “How was your day?” into deeper territory. Our book Connect Like You Did When You Were Dating has 101 conversation starters designed for exactly this purpose.

Emotional intimacy is the workhorse of all the pillars. Get this one right, and the others follow more easily.

Step 2: Reintroduce Non-Sexual Touch

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is going straight from no touch to expecting sex. That jump is too far for most marriages to make.

Physical intimacy—the non-sexual kind—creates a bridge back to sexual connection.

Start with:

• Holding hands (yes, really)
• Hugging for more than a quick pat
• Cuddling on the couch without expectation
• Back rubs or foot massages

The goal is touch without pressure. Touch that communicates “I want to be close to you” rather than “I want something from you.”

You can have physical intimacy without sexual intimacy. But it’s virtually impossible to have sexual intimacy with your spouse without some aspect of physical intimacy. This pillar creates the safety that makes vulnerability possible.

Step 3: Address Sexual Intimacy Directly

Once emotional and physical connection begin to rebuild, you can address the bedroom directly.

Have the conversation.

Extraordinary couples talk about the things other couples won’t talk about. This includes your sex life.

Find a time outside the bedroom—neutral ground—and have an honest conversation:

• What do you need from our sexual relationship?
• What has made you pull away?
• What would make you feel safe and desired?

These conversations are uncomfortable. They’re also essential.

Consider a challenge.

When Tony and I were living as roommates, we committed to a 60-day sex challenge. We didn’t do it because it sounded fun—it sounded exhausting, honestly. But we were desperate to break the cycle and feel something again.

That challenge transformed our marriage. The 60 days created momentum, rebuilt trust, and showed us both that the other was willing to fight for intimacy.

Our 7 Days of Sex Challenge was born from that experience—a more realistic starting point for couples who want to break the pattern without the overwhelm of two months.

Understand each other’s needs.

Sexual intimacy encompasses romance, initiation, foreplay, and intercourse. Consider your sexual intimacy like a buffet—there is so much to choose from. When intercourse isn’t possible or desired, other options exist.

We’ve found that couples who view sex as multi-dimensional—not just the act itself—have more satisfying intimate lives.

When to Seek Professional Help

Not every couple can navigate this alone. And there’s no shame in that.

Signs you need marriage coaching:

• You’ve tried self-help resources but keep hitting the same walls
• One or both of you feels hopeless about change
• The same arguments play on repeat with no resolution
• You can’t have a conversation about sex without it ending in conflict
• There’s been infidelity or deep betrayal

What good marriage coaching looks like:

Working with a coach isn’t about having someone tell you what to do. It’s about having a guide who’s been there—someone who can see the blind spots you can’t see and help you build new patterns together.

Alisa has worked with hundreds of couples navigating exactly what you’re facing. Coaching provides the accountability and personalized strategies that books and podcasts alone can’t offer.

Coaching vs. Therapy:

Coaching is growth-focused—it helps you build skills and break patterns in your marriage dynamic. Therapy is trauma-focused—addressing deep individual wounds that affect the relationship.

If past trauma is affecting your marriage—childhood experiences, abuse, severe mental health challenges—we encourage you to work with a qualified therapist. Many couples work with both a therapist (for individual healing) and a marriage coach (for relationship dynamics).

Why couples wait too long:

We hear it all the time: “I had no idea it was so bad.” One spouse suffers silently while the other remains unaware. By the time they seek help, patterns are deeply entrenched and wounds run deep.

Don’t wait until you’re on the brink of divorce. If you’re reading this article, you know something needs to change.

Apply for marriage coaching with Alisa and get the personalized guidance that can break the cycle.

What About Divorce?

Questions to ask before considering divorce:

• Have we truly exhausted our options for help?
• Have we worked with a professional (coach, counselor, pastor)?
• Am I making this decision from a place of pain or wisdom?
• Have I clearly communicated my needs and given my spouse opportunity to respond?

Get professional guidance:

This decision is too important to make alone. Whether it’s a marriage coach, counselor, or trusted pastor, involve someone who can see the situation objectively.

We’ve walked couples back from the brink. We’ve also walked couples through healthy separation when that was the right path. Neither decision should be made in isolation.

Conversation Starters for Tonight

Before we wrap up, here are some questions to begin the conversation with your spouse:

1. “When did you last feel truly connected to me—not just in the same room, but really together?”
2. “What’s one thing that makes you feel loved that I’ve stopped doing?”
3. “Is there something you’ve been afraid to tell me about how you’re feeling in our marriage?”
4. “What would help you feel safe being vulnerable with me again?”
5. “If we could change one thing about our intimacy, what would you want it to be?”

Approach these questions with curiosity, not defensiveness. Listen twice as much as you talk. The goal isn’t to solve everything tonight—it’s to open the door.

Frequently Asked Questions

How often should married couples have sex?

There’s no magic number. What matters is that both spouses feel satisfied with your intimate connection. Some couples thrive with weekly intimacy; others are content with monthly connection. The key is ongoing conversation about your needs and meeting somewhere that works for both of you. Sexual frequency varies widely among healthy marriages—the goal is mutual satisfaction, not hitting a quota.

Can a sexless marriage survive long-term?

Yes, some marriages survive without sex—but survive isn’t thrive. The real question is: what kind of marriage do you want? We’ve found that addressing the root causes of a sexless marriage improves not just physical intimacy but every other area of connection. When couples strengthen all six pillars, the transformation extends far beyond the bedroom.

Is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce?

A sexless marriage alone is not biblical grounds for divorce, and most situations can be healed with intentional work. However, if your spouse refuses to acknowledge the problem or work on the marriage, and if you’ve exhausted all options for help, that’s a different conversation. Seek professional guidance—a coach, counselor, or pastor—before making this decision.

How do I talk to my spouse about our sexless marriage?

Choose a neutral time and place—not in the bedroom or during conflict. Lead with your own feelings using “I” statements: “I miss feeling close to you” rather than “You never want sex anymore.” Express desire for reconnection, not blame. And be prepared to listen as much as you share. Schedule time to talk when you’re both rested and have privacy.

What if only one spouse wants to fix the sexless marriage?

One spouse wanting change is enough to start. Focus on what you can control—your own contribution to the disconnection. Sometimes when one spouse begins working on themselves, the other notices and follows. If they remain unwilling after genuine effort on your part, consider working with a coach who can help you navigate the situation.

How long does it take to fix a sexless marriage?

There’s no universal timeline. Some couples see improvement within weeks of intentional effort; others need months of consistent work. The depth of disconnection, willingness of both spouses, and underlying causes all affect the timeline. The 60-day sex challenge that transformed our marriage created momentum quickly, but the deeper healing continued for years. Commit to the process, not a deadline.

Your Next Step

A sexless marriage is painful, isolating, and exhausting. But it doesn’t have to define your future.

Here’s what we want you to take away:

• Sexless marriage is a symptom, not the disease. The bedroom problems usually start in other areas of intimacy.
• Change is possible. We’ve lived it, and we’ve seen thousands of couples rebuild what felt broken beyond repair.
• You don’t have to figure this out alone. Whether through our resources or professional guidance, help exists.

If you’ve tried the self-help approach and keep hitting the same walls, consider working with Alisa directly. She’s guided hundreds of couples through exactly what you’re facing, providing the accountability and personalized strategies that books alone can’t offer.

Apply for marriage coaching and take the first step toward rebuilding your connection.

If you want to start with a practical next step, the 7 Days of Sex Challenge can help you break the pattern and rebuild momentum. It’s the same challenge that transformed our marriage from roommates to passionate spouses.

Marriage was designed to be multi-dimensional. You deserve closeness and connection in every area. The healthy combination of sex, love, and commitment is more than the foundation of a strong marriage—it’s the glue that will keep you together.

We believe in your marriage. Now it’s time for you to fight for it.