HOW TO HANDLE CONFLICT IN YOUR MARRIAGE

It’s common for couples to wonder how to handle conflict better in their marriage.

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. Whether it’s a minor disagreement or a major argument, couples often find themselves stuck in conflict cycles.

However, conflict doesn’t have to destroy your marriage. 

When you understand your dysfunctional conflict tendencies as a couple, you can make adjustments and repairs. As a result, your marriage becomes a fun, safe, and loving relationship that can stand the test of time. 

To handle conflict better in your marriage, there are a few things you need to do. And you can start today. 

A Circle of Conflict

Before you can change how you handle conflict in your marriage, you need to understand the circle of conflict. 

Since you and your spouse are different people, you’re bound to disagree on things occasionally. 

Some disagreements are petty; others are intense. Regardless of the reason for your fight, your behavior during conflict has lasting effects on the health of your marriage. 

When conflict arises, many couples find themselves in a vicious circle that includes escalation, a boiling point, a cool down, and resolution or a return to the status quo. 

Between each of these stages, there’s a moment when couples can choose to interrupt the cycle.

However, if you’re unaware of your behavioral patterns, these interruption points can pass you by and lead you deeper into the conflict cycle. 

Identifying Ingrained Behaviors

When learning how to handle conflict better in your marriage, the first thing you must do is look inward.

Maybe you’ve never thought about your unconscious conflict behaviors. If that’s the case, you’re not alone. 

But your upbringing and past experiences undeniably affect how you react to conflict. Same with your spouse’s. 

You each have your own unique set of triggers, defense mechanisms, and communication styles. 

For example, you might grow defensive or try to withdraw whenever conflict happens.

Alternatively, you may tend to bring up past wounds or give your spouse the silent treatment. 

When you fight without understanding your ingrained conflict behaviors, it’s hard to make any changes. Instead, you create deeper wounds and rob yourselves of the intimacy (closeness and connection) that you desire. 

Although your past affects how you manage conflict, it doesn’t have to dictate it. As long as you continue to breathe, you can change.

Recognizing your past behaviors and deciding to make adjustments in the future is one of the first steps toward a healthier, happier marriage. 

Common Conflicts in The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®

Second, you need to know that every couple experiences conflict.

You can think of it like a dance. Each couple has a dance (conflict cycle) that starts when there is a difference of opinion, a miscommunication, or unmet/unvoiced expectations in any of the 6 Pillars of Intimacy®. 

Among the ONE Family, conflict occurs within sexual, emotional, and financial intimacy. In fact, sexual intimacy was overwhelmingly the most common answer. 

However, issues can also arise in physical, spiritual, and recreational intimacy. 

For instance, in the Sexual Intimacy Pillar, you might disagree about frequency, consistency, or who should initiate. 

Conflict within the Financial Intimacy Pillar can arise when you don’t see eye to eye on spending or budgeting. 

Additionally, your Physical Intimacy Pillar might be an issue if it only ever leads to sex.

Spiritual intimacy can become strained when you have different religious beliefs or disagree about how to live out your beliefs. 

Or you might fight about your Recreational Intimacy Pillar if every date is the same.

Walking on eggshells around your spouse weakens your Emotional Intimacy Pillar, even if you’re trying to avoid conflict by holding back the things that bother you.

Breaking the Conflict Cycle in Your Marriage

Let’s be honest: the conflict cycle is not enjoyable. It leaves you feeling stressed and on edge. 

Also, dysfunctional conflict drives a wedge between you and your spouse. As a result, you might close off communication and stop speaking to each other.

Unresolved conflict can cause rejection or less sex. It can create painful tension or resentment. 

So how do you make a change? 

To break the cycle of conflict, you must invest time and energy in understanding your conflict cycles. 

The 6 Pillars of Intimacy Conflict Resolution: The Secret to Breaking the Conflict Cycle in Your Marriage can help provide valuable insights and tools so you and your spouse can discover how you approach conflict individually and as a couple.

The book offers insight to help you uncover your unconscious behaviors and understand how these contribute to the conflict cycle.

With real-life examples of marital conflict, you can take action to repair your destructive patterns.

It’s time to learn how to handle conflict well in marriage.

Because when you understand your conflict cycles, you can make different choices and become more successful at resolving arguments and staying connected.