HOW TO RENEW SEXUAL INTIMACY IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE

A sexless marriage is the last thing on the mind of a newlywed. Yet over time, couples may find themselves in a marriage that lacks sexual intimacy. This can cause feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, and more. Thankfully, there are several solutions for reintroducing regular sex into your marriage and re-establishing sexual intimacy between you and your spouse. 

What Defines a Sexless Marriage

A sexless marriage is one in which there are ten or fewer sexual encounters within a year. A marriage can become sexless either consciously or unconsciously. 

If you suspect your marriage has become sexless, consider this question: Can you remember the last time you had sex (or enjoyed it)? If not, the sexual intimacy between you and your spouse may be disconnected. 

You’re not alone. In a recent Instagram poll, nearly a quarter of the ONE Family said they would define their marriage as sexless. This is a prevalent issue that must be addressed. 

A sexless marriage may indicate that there are additional areas of your marriage that need help. Feeling disconnected in your sexual intimacy can have ties to your emotional, physical, financial, spiritual, and recreational intimacy. Strengthening all 6 Pillars of Intimacy® will help you create an extraordinary marriage. 

The Importance of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Sexual intimacy is more than a physical release; it connects spouses in body, mind, and soul. Romance, initiation, foreplay, and intercourse are all parts of sexual intimacy. 

The vulnerability and openness of sexual intimacy strengthen emotional intimacy and increase trust between spouses. A sexless marriage lacks this vital connection. 

The benefits of regular sex are clear: lower stress levels, better heart health, higher self-esteem, and more. A sexless marriage not only robs spouses of emotional intimacy but also of the many positive physical impacts. 

Note: When it comes to sexual intimacy, consent is key. No spouse should feel forced to engage in sexual acts they are uncomfortable with. 

Getting on the same page about sexual intimacy with your spouse is essential. While we provide suggestions below, seeking professional support may lead to quicker breakthrough. To begin improving your marriage with personal help, apply for marriage coaching. 

Sexless Marriage: Contributing Factors

No two marriages are the same, nor do they face the same challenges. A marriage may become sexless at any point if both spouses are not vigilant in recognizing and addressing cracks in the pillar of sexual intimacy. 

Additionally, a sexless marriage may indicate cracks in any other of the 6 Pillars of Intimacy®. While sexual intimacy in a sexless marriage may be lacking or nonexistent, this may not be the main or only issue. Having open conversations with your spouse or together with a marriage coach will help illuminate any other problems that have contributed to the lack of sexual intimacy. 

Below is a non-exhaustive list of reasons a marriage may become sexless. As you read through, consider which reasons resonate with you. Then, head to the next section to learn how to make changes to improve sexual intimacy in your marriage.  

• Sex is not prioritized
• Regular excuses or rejections 
• Negative emotions such as worry, anxiety, fear, or resentment 
• Feelings of inadequacy or insecurity due to pornography or erotica use
• Physical changes due to childbirth, illness, or medication
• Pain or discomfort during sexual acts
• Differing sex drives
• Feelings of boredom or obligation
• Cracks in any of the other 6 Pillars of Intimacy®

Antidotes for a Sexless Marriage

A sexless marriage does not have to remain sexless. There are several ways to reinvigorate your sex life with your spouse. 

Prioritize Sex

Sexual intimacy is essential in a marriage. Prioritize sex by talking about it, being present during it, and making time for it by scheduling it. 

There’s a common fear that scheduling sex will take away the fun and excitement of spontaneous sex. But often, there is the opposite effect! Scheduling sex allows anticipation to build for both spouses. 

Another way to prioritize sex is by participating in the 7 Days of Sex Challenge. Commit to deepening your sexual intimacy with your spouse with 7 days of creative connection. Participating in a sex challenge can help renew intimacy and excitement.

Be Creative with Sex

Some of the reasons a marriage becomes sexless include a lack of passion. Sexual intimacy can feel mundane, routine, or like a chore if not approached intentionally. Overcome sexual boredom by trying one (or all!) of the following tactics: 

• New Times of Day: There are 24 hours in a day. Try different times to see how it impacts your sexual intimacy. Perhaps you will find that you have more energy or can be more present (both physically and mentally) at a new time of day. 
• New Positions: Over time, it may seem easier to stick with the most known or comfortable positions. Be creative by trying new positions or exploring erogenous zones. 
• New Locations: Add thrill to your sexual intimacy by venturing beyond your bedroom. Consider other rooms in your house or even locations beyond your house! Just remember to obey all local laws regarding sex outside your home. 
• New Toys and Lubes: Explore what feels good by trying new toys and lubes. Adding lubes, sex toys, and other products into your sex life can increase pleasure and passion. 

Have the Important Conversations

Talking about sex is one of the most important steps for developing healthy sexual intimacy. Ask and answer these questions with your spouse to begin learning how to strengthen your sexual intimacy: 

• What would a healthy sex life look like for the two of you? 
• Does your spouse know what you like or would like to try? 
• What are the other desires that you have not expressed with one another? 

Understanding your spouse’s needs will help determine what is lacking and how you can approach a solution. Open conversations about sexual intimacy will also help you recognize what signals you and your spouse give for initiating sex. You are less likely to miss these signals when you are aware of them. 

Romance Your Spouse

Sexual intimacy is more than just sex. In addition to sexual intercourse, sexual intimacy includes romance, initiation, and foreplay. If your marriage lacks sexual intimacy, pay attention to all of these aspects—not just intercourse. What things make your spouse feel desired and special? Whether it’s a special meal, a love note, or a back rub, prioritize romancing your spouse. 

Improve Your Marriage with Coaching

If you feel hopeless or helpless about sexual intimacy in your marriage, apply for coaching with Alisa DiLorenzo. As a wife whose marriage has dealt with the issues of pornography, financial crisis, and child loss, Alisa DiLorenzo understands the issues that impact relationships. She works with couples around the world, equipping them with the tools and strategies they need to create an extraordinary marriage. Take action today by learning more about Marriage Coaching with Alisa.