How to Save a Sexless Marriage

You already know your marriage has gone sexless, and you want a plan. Start by naming what changed and working on the one pillar carrying the most strain. Bring in a licensed counselor if the causes run deeper than a conversation can reach.

Name What Changed First

Most couples in a sexless season ask for more sex, but they are really asking for the marriage they used to have, the one that made sex feel natural. Our sexless marriage statistics page already covers how common this is and what causes it. If you have not already, take our sexless marriage quiz. It will show you which parts of the marriage need attention beyond the bedroom, since a sexless season almost always touches more than one pillar.

Three causes show up again and again in the couples we coach. Emotional distance is the one we hear about most. When two people stop really talking, they usually stop having sex too, because sex takes the same openness a real conversation takes. When work, kids, or money pile on, the two of you end most days running on empty, with little left for each other at night. Old conflict that never got resolved follows you to bed, even on nights when neither of you names it out loud.

Sit down together and ask which of these three fits your marriage right now. You may find more than one. Naming the real cause matters more than counting how long it has been since you had sex. Two couples with the same gap can be dealing with entirely different problems underneath it.

Alisa has coached many couples through a sexless season. Here she talks about what she hears from them, and what usually sits underneath it.

Read the transcript

Over the years, I’ve heard many couples say, “I can’t remember the last time we had sex.” Sometimes it’s been months, sometimes it’s been years. I also hear phrases like, “I’m tired of being rejected. I feel pressured every time my spouse touches me,” or, “We’re more like roommates,” or, “I don’t know how we got here.”

By the time a couple describes their marriage as sexless, there’s often a lot more going on in the marriage than just how frequently they’re having sex. The absence of sex may be a very loud problem in the marriage, but it’s so important to find out what else has gone on in their marriage that has contributed to bringing the two of them to this point.

When did the affection disappear? Are they emotionally disconnected? Is there unresolved hurt, or are they dealing with stress, health issues, medication, or other life circumstances that has impacted the two of them and their sexual intimacy? When a marriage has become sexless, there can be one spouse struggling immensely with feelings of rejection and the other one dealing with strong feelings of being pressured.

And I want to say that I have worked with so many couples over the years that truly couldn’t remember the last time they had sex, and yet when they have both chosen to get involved in the coaching process, when they’re willing to look at what got them here, when they’re willing to say and go beyond how frequently are h- we having sex, but to get into this place where they’re actually talking about what happened between the two of us and what do we want to build in our marriage.

Well, that’s when transformation has an opportunity to really grow and flourish. I want you to know that a sexless marriage, while it can feel incredibly lonely, it doesn’t have to be the end of the story if the two of you are willing to get engaged in the process. I don’t want to start with how do you have more sex, but really get into this question of what happened to the two of you that brought you to this point, and how do we start rebuilding?

Sexlessness does not automatically mean the marriage is over. Change, true transformation is possible when the two of you choose to engage in the process together

Rebuild Touch First

Couples who have gone sexless for a while often stop touching outside of bed too. A hug turns into a pat on the back. Holding hands stops. A spouse quits reaching for the other because the same reach keeps getting turned down, and being turned down over and over hurts too much to risk again.

Somewhere along the way, neither of you can touch the other without it meaning something. One spouse starts to read every touch as a step toward sex, and the other spouse starts to feel pressure the moment a hand lands on their shoulder. Neither spouse chose that shift on purpose. It built up slowly, one avoided reach at a time, until a couple who used to hold hands without thinking about it could barely remember when that changed.

Start smaller than sex. Hold hands on the couch while you watch something together. Hug for a few extra seconds before you both leave for work. Sit close together on the couch on purpose. Ask your spouse what kind of touch feels good these days, because bodies and seasons of life change what someone wants, even inside the same marriage. A wife who loved a certain kind of touch before kids may want something different now. A husband carrying more stress than usual may want a touch that asks nothing in return.

Get curious about what your spouse’s body and day have been carrying before you decide what their pulling away means. A spouse who feels touched out by the end of a long day with small children still loves you. A spouse who flinches at a hand on the shoulder after a hard year may be carrying something that has nothing to do with you. Ask before you assume, and let the answer surprise you.

Our guide to sexual intimacy walks through this pillar in more depth, including how connection outside sex sets up connection inside it.

Say the Hard Sentence Out Loud

Pick a low pressure moment, never the bedroom, to tell your spouse what you have noticed and what you want. Say it about your own experience: “I miss us,” or “I feel far away from you.” Your spouse can hear a sentence about your own experience. A complaint about their behavior usually gets a defense.

You cannot talk your spouse into wanting sex. Desire tends to come back once you deal with whatever pushed it away. The conversation works best as two people solving a shared problem, both naming what has been true for them, both willing to hear something new. If one of you wants desire restored and the other is not ready to participate, talk about that gap first, before either of you talks about frequency.

Set one real, specific goal together for the next month. Choose something small and specific enough that you can both see yourselves keeping it. Pick one dinner without phones, one weekend away, or one evening where nobody brings up the kids, and treat that evening as the whole point.

When to Bring in a Counselor

Some causes need a licensed counselor working alongside whatever you and your spouse are doing on your own. Pornography and a long stretch of one spouse staying withdrawn are worth naming. So are signs of anxiety or depression. Add a licensed counselor or therapist to the plan now. A coach can keep walking with you at the same time. A coach does not treat depression, addiction, or trauma, and a good one will tell you that directly.

When Coaching Is Not the Next Step

If you are afraid of your spouse, or your spouse controls you through coercion or threats, this deserves more support than coaching can give you. Get to a licensed professional and make sure you are safe first. If you are afraid at home, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If either of you is thinking about suicide, call or text 988.

Coaching works for couples who can speak openly to each other without fear and are ready to do the work side by side. If that describes your marriage, a coach can help. A coach turns what you learn from conversations like these into a plan with real steps, and a way to check whether they are working.

Your Next Step

Tonight, do three things. Tell your spouse one specific thing you miss about how you used to connect. Ask what kind of touch feels good to them right now. Agree on one small step for this week that you both choose, so the plan belongs to both of you equally.

A sexless season means something is off, and a couple who deals with it can turn things around. If what you find goes deeper than the two of you can work through alone, we coach couples through The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® framework. Alisa leads that work herself, one on one. The marriage coaching page walks through three steps: you meet your coach, fill in an application, and have a first coaching session to see if it fits your marriage.