HOW TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE WHEN MY SPOUSE WANTS A DIVORCE

It was a warm fall afternoon and my wife had walked into our home for lunch. She wasn’t her normal self and I could tell that something was on her mind.

We walked around each other as we prepared lunch.

As we sat down at our kitchen table she blurted out, “I’m frustrated with you, our marriage, and us. I’ve been looking through the yellow pages for a divorce lawyer.”

Whoa, I was taken aback. I had no idea that there was anything wrong with us. As I caught my breath and tears filled my eyes I wondered if I could save my marriage.

In your marriage there may have been a moment in time or a specific reason why the love you once had for your spouse deteriorated to the point where your spouse is now asking for a divorce. It could have been:

• an emotional or physical affair
• continued fighting and conflict
• being separated due to work, ailing parents, or personal choice
• mental or behavioral issues
• pornography, alcohol, or drug abuse

You now find yourselves creeping to the edge of divorce when there is little to no:

• emotional intimacy
• spiritual connectedness
• and physical/sexual intimacy

in your marriage any longer.

Developing great communication skills and rekindling your commitment to one another can help you overcome these issues in your marriage. Unfortunately, there may come a point where your spouse already has one foot out the door. When this is happening how can you save your marriage?

If your marriage is at this point you may be asking yourself, “what can I do?”

Learn the 6 Most Common Reasons For Divorce… And How To Stop Them Happening To You…

When a crisis hits, you often find yourself backed into a corner, living in fear, with no options to consider. What can you do during this crisis when it involves your spouses feelings and decisions?

At no point should you belittle, threaten, ridicule, or manipulate your spouse into changing their mind. What you can do is decide on how you will react to the situation. You may not be able to control the situation or your spouse, but you do have control over your words and actions.

This is your opportunity to look at the person you see in the mirror and step up to the plate as you take personally accountable for your actions and feelings.

What can you do that will foster change in your marriage?

You have two choices at this moment when your spouse wants a divorce. You can choose to be angry as you wallow in self-pity or you can choose to love your spouse.

But, your spouse is thick headed, aloof, and unresponsive. That’s OK. You still can grow and be a bright light in the darkness during this time in your marriage. Begin to reminisce about when you first got together, how you meet, where you hung out together, and what you enjoyed doing.

Capture those days again.

Then begin to share the good times you have had together since your wedding day. The two of you have made many good memories along the way. By focusing on your behavior as well as your emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy you refocus on what is important in your marriage.

There will come a time when an open dialoge with your spouse will be available to both of you. It is during this time that the two of you discuss the possible divorce and all that comes with one.

Do you both realize the toll, both mentally and physically, a divorce entails? Does your spouse understand the financial, spiritual, physical, and emotional consequences?

A divorce brings CHANGE. This should not be taken lightly at any time. Is your spouse ready for this change?

Lastly, you should involve a third party mediator, counselor, therapist, or trusted church elder to help the two of you through this situation. Any one of these individuals can help put your situation into perspective and help shed light on deep rooted issues and/or concerns.

If the situation is truly serious then by all means, get help.

It has been 12 years since that day when Alisa mentioned divorce in our marriage. Everything you have read above has been implemented to save our marriage.

It all started when each of us took responsibility for our actions and took the first step to make a change. 

If the situation is truly serious then by all means, get help. If you want to discover the truth, cut through the lies and pain, stop divorce dead in it’s tracks, and rebuild the strong, intimate marriage you’ve always wanted… (even if your spouse doesn’t want to)… check out SAVE MY MARRIAGE. This is the #1 resource we recommend to all our clients and listeners when they feel they are desperate to save their marriage.

Your Next Steps When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce

Reading the story above, you know a season like this rarely comes with a manual. Working through it will take real effort over time, from both of you. What follows are four things you can do this week, in order.

Alisa recorded a short video for the moment you hear those words.

Read the transcript

Hearing the words, “I want out,” or, “I don’t know if I love you anymore,” or, “I think I’m done,” can press the panic button and make you want to fix everything immediately. And I want to say to you, if you’ve heard those words, please don’t try and fix your entire marriage in a single moment. Listen carefully to what your spouse is saying.

Are they exhausted? Are they angry? Are they hurt? Have they felt disconnected for years? Is this the first time that you’re hearing it or the first time that you’re really hearing it? Resist begging, arguing your case, or making huge promises, demanding an answer about the future right now. Stop and look carefully at what you can take responsibility for.

Ask yourself, what can I do? What can I do differently regardless of what my spouse does next? If your spouse is willing to engage, that gives you something to work with. Start with one area where the marriage has broken down instead of trying to repair everything all at once.

If there’s abuse, coercion, addiction, a mental health crisis, or another issue outside of normal marriage coaching, it’s time to get professional help. It is serious when your spouse says, “I want out,” but that doesn’t have to be the final outcome of what your marriage will be.

1. Name what is under strain

Divorce is the word your spouse used, but it is rarely the whole story. Underneath it is usually one or two pillars of the marriage that have gone unattended for a long time: communication, trust, shared faith, money, fun together, or physical closeness. Look clearly at which one has been cracking the longest before you plan your next conversation. That answer changes what you say.

2. Check whether this is safe to work through together

The two of you can work through most of what brings a marriage to this point, with help. A few situations need something else first. If there is abuse, coercion, fear for your safety, thoughts of suicide, or an addiction that has gone untreated, this is bigger than a marriage conversation. It needs its own help first: the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for abuse or fear for your safety, 988 by call or text for thoughts of suicide, and the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for an untreated addiction. Coaching, including the link below, is built for two spouses who are safe with each other and ready to do the work together.

3. Say what is really going on

Ask your spouse these three things, one at a time, and listen to the answers without arguing them.

• What is going on for you right now, in your own words?
• What have you already tried, and why do you think it did not work?
• What would need to change for you to want to stay?

4. Get a guide if you keep circling the same argument

If the two of you are safe together but keep having the same fight, that is exactly what coaching is for. The same goes if you do not know how to start the conversation above. Read about marriage coaching with Alisa to see how the process works and what a first session looks like.