It can be hard to know how to talk about sex with your spouse.

Whether you’re a newlywed or have been married for many decades, sexual intimacy is a key pillar in your marriage. But discussing what’s working and what’s not can feel uncomfortable.


There are countless reasons you might not be talking about sex with your spouse. Ultimately, cracks can form in your 6 Pillars of Intimacy® when these important conversations aren’t happening.

Even if you already talk with your spouse about sex, you can continue to refine your skill and become more comfortable with this topic. Knowing how to talk about sex with your spouse helps you become a stronger couple.

Why People Don’t Talk About Sex with Their Spouse

Couples can struggle to talk about sex for many reasons, including how they were raised and outside influences.

For example, many people grow up in families that are hesitant to discuss sex.

When your family doesn’t talk about sex or considers it “taboo” or “dirty,” you may cling to these views in marriage, making it hard for you to start a conversation about sex or engage in a conversation that your spouse starts.

External factors, such as media, friends, and culture, can influence how you view sex and, therefore, how comfortable you are talking about it.

It may be hard for you to talk about sex if you struggle with insecurities, anxiety, or past sexual trauma. You may fear rejection or judgment. Or your spouse may be the one who is uninterested or uncomfortable talking about sex.

Additionally, you may avoid discussing sex with your spouse because of fears that you’ll hurt their feelings by sharing what you want or don’t want.

In reality, the opposite is often true. It can bring your spouse joy and confidence to know what you like in the bedroom and be able to satisfy those desires.

Some couples experience a sexless marriage, meaning they have ten or fewer sexual encounters within a year. If you aren’t having sex often, it might feel even less comfortable to talk about sex.

You have to take action to address these problems. If you don’t know where to get started, marriage coaching can help.

Why You Need to Talk about Sex

You and your spouse entered marriage with your own ideas about sex.

Things like religion, past experiences, or pornography can contribute to your beliefs about what sex should or shouldn’t look like. No matter your sexual background, you entered marriage with ideas and expectations.

If you aren’t talking about sex with your spouse, you won’t understand each other’s expectations. Not only can this lead to frustration in your sexual intimacy, but it also weakens your emotional intimacy because you aren’t communicating your thoughts and desires.

Sexual intimacy is a gift to explore.

Talking about sex with your spouse can strengthen your sexual and emotional intimacy. Vulnerability leads to connection.

Also, talking about sex is a skill. You have to practice it.

Like using any new tool, talking about sex can feel awkward at first or if you haven’t done it in a while. Eventually, it will feel more natural. Don’t give up early.

Talking About Sex in Different Seasons of Marriage

How you talk about sex with your spouse will look different in different stages of your marriage. In all seasons of marriage, it’s vital to be open, honest, and transparent.

For newlyweds, there are plenty of factors that can impede sexual intimacy. You and your spouse might have different libidos, or you might not know how to initiate. It might be harder to get in the mood or turn on your spouse than you expected.

For parents, children can affect when and how sex happens. A woman’s body changes after childbirth. And as your kids get older, you may have to adjust the time of day you have sex or how vocal you can be.

For empty nesters, open communication is key to a great sex life. Talk about sex often as you adjust to your children moving out. You can continue to keep the spark alive even as you age by making sexual intimacy a priority.

Health issues can create challenges for your sexual intimacy, too. We often can’t control or anticipate mental health issues, cancers, childbirth complications, heart issues, and more. Even if sex is not occurring, it’s important to continue communicating with your spouse.

Talking about sex with your spouse amidst these changes and challenges can keep your sexual and emotional intimacy strong.

Things to Keep in Mind as You Talk About Sex

How you talk about sex with your spouse can be just as important as what you discuss.

First, recognize that timing is everything. Trying to start a conversation about sex at a bad time can lead you to feel more frustrated or disconnected.

Instead, find a time and place when both you and your spouse can focus on the conversation. Consider giving your spouse a heads-up or planning a time to talk about sex where you won’t face distractions or interruptions.

For example, a great time and place for talking about sex is a walk-and-talk. Addressing a topic like sex on a walk-and-talk can help the two of you remain calm and focused. When you are moving, the energy of emotions in your body can come out through actions and not just your tone of voice or body language.

Second, be mindful of your nonverbal communication. Your words have power, but your body language also sends a message. Make sure you communicate your thoughts and feelings with love.

Finally, be a safe space for your spouse to discuss their concerns and desires.

In the same way that you want your spouse to listen to you and understand your perspectives, you must do the same for them. Avoid judging or criticizing your spouse. Instead, listen with an open mind and be willing to find solutions.

Conversations about sex often include new things someone wants to try, such as a new position, oral sex, edging, lube, toys, sex furniture, and more. Remember that you only go as far as you and your spouse feel comfortable.

If you suggest new things your spouse isn’t comfortable with, don’t force it. And if you are the spouse not comfortable with something, vocalize your limits to your spouse.

Resources to Help you Talk About Sex

If you don’t know how to talk about sex with your spouse, you’re not alone. Thankfully, there are several resources to help you overcome fears or awkwardness. As a result, you can experience a deeper connection and a more satisfying sex life.

Get the conversation started with 19 Questions to Amazing Sex. With immediate access to this resource, you can ask the important questions and strengthen your emotional and sexual intimacy with your spouse.

A great way to deepen sexual intimacy with your spouse is to explore the possibilities together. Look through the ONE Extraordinary Marriage Online Store as a couple. With a variety of toys, games, lubes, pillows, wedges, and more, you can find the right products to incorporate into your sex life.

Talking about sex might be difficult, but it doesn’t have to be impossible. If you’re struggling to take action or make progress, apply to work with a marriage coach today.

You can sharpen your skills and continue to improve your marriage when you know how to talk about sex with your spouse. As a result, you can experience the extraordinary marriage you desire and deserve.

Watch the video below to rekindle the spark and restore the connection in your marriage today!

In the 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, you will discover secrets that have transformed countless marriages. Its ideas are simple, practical, and powerful. You’ll be inspired to look at your marriage through a new lens and be encouraged by its commonsense approach.

Alisa and Tony DiLorenzo's proven approach to building intimacy in marriage will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your spouse – starting today. Click HERE to get your copy today!

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