INTIMACY KILLERS

What kills the intimacy in your marriage?

We’ve been asked this question many times because many of you want to be more intimate in your marriages, but have road blocks that stop you and your spouse from being intimate.

We can’t answer every reason why you may not be intimate in your marriage.

However, we are able to share with you some intimacy killers in our marriage and how we have been able to work around them.

Intimacy Killers

1. Technology
The proliferation of smartphones, iPhones, iPads, social networking sites, netbooks, etc have increased over the years.  None of us can disagree with the this.  The increase of these technological advances are taking away valuable time we could be spending with our spouses.  In January 2010 the average internet uses spent 421 minutes on Facebook, that’s over 7 hours per month!  Add up your use of Google, YouTube, Yahoo, Twitter, and I know for myself I’m well into the 20+ hours of computer time each month.  This is valuable time that I could be spending nurturing my relationship with Alisa, but many times I fail to realize this and just sit on the computer.

Just this evening I got called out on my computer usage by Alisa.  I was about to get defensive about my use, but sat for a couple of seconds at my desk and thought about my time on the computer.   She was right, I had been stealing away to the computer instead of engaging her.  Here’s the big thing, I was planning on initiating sex and I had made a cardinal mistake, not paying attention to my wife.

I got off the computer and made it a point to seek her out and let her know that my time on the computer had disrupted our time together.  It wasn’t all better, but I was at least making the necessary steps to correcting my actions.

2. Kids
No matter what stage of life our kids are in from newborn to young adults our kids can have a profound impact on our intimacy.   We love them so much that we want to do everything we can for them.  We want them to have a better childhood than we did, go to better schools, experience life to the fullest, but are we putting them ahead of our spouse?  If so, you might have an intimacy killer on your hand.  Your spouse comes first!  Don’t forget that.

Do you hear these comments from your spouse:

“My kids are everything to me!”

“Oh, my spouse and I will connect when the kids are out of the house.”

“There’s no time left after running the kids everywhere.”

If so, it’s time to reevaluate your intimate relationship with your spouse.  We have gone through times in our marriage where everything we did revolved around the kids.  Many times we didn’t even realize it until one of us finally spoke up.  Maybe it’s time for you to let your spouse know that you need some time together.

3. Work/Business
I know this one all to well.  Seven years ago I started up my first business and it took everything I had to make it successful.  The problem was in the process I was forgetting I had a wife who also wanted my attention.  Many years passed before Alisa was at her wits end.  My business was taking all of my time for it to be successful, but again I missed the boat.  Alisa was supportive, but the time away and the hours spent on the business was driving a wedge between our intimacy.  Over the years Alisa and I have had many discussions so that my business doesn’t become between us.

Do you work for someone?  Can you make a flexible schedule?

Would it be possible to take a morning off?  How about an afternoon?

One friend of mine makes it a point to get to work early, 6am, so that he can be home by 4pm to spend time with his wife and kids.  He told me this has made a profound difference in the connection he is having with his wife.

Draw a Line in the Sand

Each of these Intimacy Killers take time away from building the connection we desire in our marriage.  The only person you can change is you so start to think of ways that you can put these killers into check.  Think of it this way, find 30 minutes of quality time a day to spend building intimacy in your marriage and at the end of the month you’ll have spent 15 hours with your spouse.  Shouldn’t your spouse get more time than facebook?

What’s killing the intimacy in your marriage?

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6 thoughts on “INTIMACY KILLERS

  1. You and me both. These are things that kill the intimacy Alisa and I have at times. It's through grace that we are able to approach one another when we've gone overboard and be able to reconnect intimately in our marriage.

    Draw the line in the sand and make intimacy a priority.

    -Tony

  2. Yep. Been there, done that – on all of the above.

    It all comes down to reserving the time and energy it takes to build intimacy. And it takes both.

  3. Your right on Scott. All of us have choices in our marriages. I can say that I don't always make the right ones, but am a work in progress and hopefully get better with age. Like a fine wine.

    -Tony

  4. Being second banana to her mother is the biggest killer in my house. I agree with this article quite a bit. The saddest part about this article is that beautiful woman sitting there humiliated while that lucky guy is hammering away at that laptop. What a moron.