Is My Marriage Sexless? Take This Quiz to Find Out (And What Your Answers Mean)

You’ve been wondering for a while now. The intimacy that used to come naturally feels forced—or maybe it’s stopped entirely. When did the last meaningful moment of physical connection happen? If you have to think about it, you’re not alone.

This is one of the hardest questions to ask yourself. Most couples don’t want to label their marriage as “sexless”—they just want to understand what’s happening and how to fix it.

This quiz won’t just tell you if your marriage is “sexless” by some clinical definition. It will help you understand what’s really going on in your intimacy—across multiple dimensions—and point you toward specific next steps based on your results.

We understand this struggle personally. There was a season in our marriage when we would have scored in crisis territory on this assessment. Taking an honest inventory of where we were—as scary as that felt—was the first step toward rebuilding. If we could come back from that place, so can you.

**How to take this quiz**: Answer honestly. If possible, both spouses should take it separately and then compare scores. There’s no judgment here—just information to help you move forward.

## Before You Take the Quiz: Understanding What “Sexless Marriage” Really Means

The clinical definition of a sexless marriage is having sex fewer than 10 times per year. But honestly, the number isn’t the point—the pattern and disconnection matter more.

Some couples are in this place by mutual agreement (health issues, life stage, intentional choice). Others have slowly drifted apart without realizing how far they’ve gone. Still others experience one-sided withdrawal where one spouse has shut down physically and the other is left confused and rejected.

This quiz goes beyond just counting frequency. It assesses the underlying intimacy health across multiple areas of your marriage. That’s because in our work with thousands of couples over the past 15 years, we’ve learned that sexual intimacy rarely breaks down in isolation.

The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® framework shows us that when the sexual pillar has cracks, there are almost always cracks in other pillars too—especially emotional, physical (non-sexual), and recreational intimacy. Understanding which pillars need attention gives you a clearer path forward than just trying to “have more sex.”

## The Sexless Marriage Assessment Quiz

### Instructions

For each question, select the answer that most closely matches your current experience. Be honest—defensive answers won’t help you.

**Scoring**: Each answer has a point value (0-4). Total your points at the end.

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### Section 1: Sexual Connection

**1. How often do you and your spouse have sex?**
– Never or almost never (0 points)
– A few times per year (1 point)
– Once or twice per month (2 points)
– Once per week (3 points)
– Multiple times per week (4 points)

**2. Who typically initiates, and how does it feel?**
– Neither of us initiates anymore (0 points)
– One person initiates but is almost always rejected (1 point)
– One person initiates occasionally with mixed results (2 points)
– We both initiate, but it feels like an obligation (3 points)
– We both initiate naturally and enjoy it (4 points)

**3. How satisfied are you with your sexual connection?**
– Completely disconnected and hopeless (0 points)
– Very unsatisfied and frustrated (1 point)
– Somewhat unsatisfied but still trying (2 points)
– Mostly satisfied with room for growth (3 points)
– Very satisfied and connected (4 points)

**4. How often do you experience sexual rejection?**
– Almost every time someone tries (0 points)
– Frequently—more rejection than acceptance (1 point)
– Sometimes—about half the time (2 points)
– Rarely—mostly receptive (3 points)
– Almost never—we’re usually on the same page (4 points)

**5. How would you describe the quality of your sexual experiences?**
– We don’t have sexual experiences anymore (0 points)
– Disconnected, routine, or uncomfortable (1 point)
– Present but lacking emotional connection (2 points)
– Generally good with occasional great moments (3 points)
– Intimate, connected, and mutually satisfying (4 points)

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### Section 2: Emotional Connection

**6. How often do you share feelings, fears, or dreams with each other?**
– Never—we don’t talk about deep things (0 points)
– Rarely—maybe a few times a year (1 point)
– Occasionally—a few times a month (2 points)
– Regularly—a few times a week (3 points)
– Frequently—almost daily (4 points)

**7. When was your last meaningful conversation (not just logistics)?**
– Can’t remember—it’s been months or longer (0 points)
– Several weeks ago (1 point)
– Within the past week (2 points)
– Within the past few days (3 points)
– Today or yesterday (4 points)

**8. Do you feel emotionally safe with your spouse?**
– No—I guard my heart completely (0 points)
– Rarely—I don’t trust them with my real feelings (1 point)
– Sometimes—depends on the topic (2 points)
– Mostly—with some areas I still protect (3 points)
– Yes—I can be fully vulnerable (4 points)

**9. How connected do you feel on a typical day?**
– Like roommates or strangers (0 points)
– Distant and disconnected (1 point)
– Neutral—not close but not hostile (2 points)
– Generally connected with occasional distance (3 points)
– Very connected and aware of each other (4 points)

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### Section 3: Physical Affection (Non-Sexual)

**10. How often do you touch non-sexually (holding hands, hugs, casual touch)?**
– Never or almost never (0 points)
– Rarely—maybe once a week (1 point)
– Occasionally—a few times a week (2 points)
– Daily but briefly (3 points)
– Multiple times daily with intention (4 points)

**11. Do you kiss goodbye/hello with intention or out of habit?**
– We don’t kiss at all (0 points)
– Quick peck out of routine (1 point)
– Sometimes with intention, usually routine (2 points)
– Usually intentional and meaningful (3 points)
– Always intentional—a real moment of connection (4 points)

**12. How comfortable is physical closeness between you?**
– We avoid physical contact (0 points)
– Uncomfortable and awkward (1 point)
– Tolerated but not enjoyed (2 points)
– Generally comfortable (3 points)
– Very comfortable and natural (4 points)

**13. Do you cuddle or have physical contact in bed (not leading to sex)?**
– We sleep as far apart as possible (0 points)
– Rarely—we stay on our sides (1 point)
– Occasionally—a few times a week (2 points)
– Most nights—we fall asleep touching (3 points)
– Always—we seek physical closeness (4 points)

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### Section 4: Connection Patterns

**14. How often do you have fun together or share recreational activities?**
– Never—we live separate lives (0 points)
– Rarely—a few times a year (1 point)
– Occasionally—once or twice a month (2 points)
– Regularly—weekly (3 points)
– Frequently—multiple times per week (4 points)

**15. How much time do you spend on screens vs. with each other?**
– Almost all our time is screens—barely any connection (0 points)
– Heavy screen use with minimal quality time (1 point)
– More screens than connection (2 points)
– Balanced—we protect time together (3 points)
– Screens are minimal—we prioritize each other (4 points)

**16. How often do you go on dates (just the two of you)?**
– Never—it’s been over a year (0 points)
– Rarely—a few times a year (1 point)
– Occasionally—once or twice a month (2 points)
– Regularly—weekly (3 points)
– Very regularly—multiple times per week (4 points)

**17. Do you feel more like roommates or spouses?**
– Completely like roommates (0 points)
– Mostly roommates with rare romantic moments (1 point)
– Equal mix of both (2 points)
– Mostly romantic with occasional roommate drift (3 points)
– Definitely spouses (4 points)

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### Calculate Your Score

**Add up your points from all 17 questions. Your total score will be between 0 and 68.**

## Understanding Your Results

### Healthy Intimacy (Score 50-68)

Your marriage shows strong intimacy across multiple dimensions. You’re connected emotionally, physically, and sexually. Even when life gets busy or stressful, you prioritize each other.

**What this means**: You’re doing the work. Keep it up. Even healthy marriages need intentional maintenance—don’t coast on what’s working.

**Next steps**: Consider taking our [6 Pillars of Intimacy Quiz](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/quiz/?utm_source=blog&utm_medium=article&utm_campaign=content_marketing) for a deeper assessment of specific growth areas. Continue learning through our podcast and resources to keep building on your strong foundation.

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### Early Warning Signs (Score 35-49)

You’re noticing disconnection, but you haven’t reached crisis level yet. This is actually the ideal intervention point—address it now before it compounds into deeper patterns.

**What this means**: Some pillars in your marriage have cracks. Look at which section(s) you scored lowest in. That’s where to focus first. If your lowest scores were in emotional connection, for example, start there—not in the bedroom.

Sexual intimacy is often the last pillar to crack. The symptoms show up there, but the root causes are usually elsewhere—emotional distance, lack of non-sexual touch, no fun together, or all of the above.

**Next steps**:
– **Start with the 6 Pillars of Intimacy® book**: It gives you the complete framework for rebuilding connection across every area of your marriage. [Get the book](https://shop.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/collections/the-6-pillars-of-intimacy/products/the-6-pillars-of-intimacy?utm_campaign=6-pillars-book-shopify&utm_content=is-my-marriage-sexless-quiz&utm_source=blog&utm_medium=referral)
– **Focus on your weakest pillar first**: Don’t try to fix everything at once. Pick one dimension and commit to intentional work there for 2-3 weeks.
– **If you’re not seeing progress**: Consider whether you need outside guidance. Sometimes couples need help seeing the blind spots they can’t see on their own.

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### Significant Disconnection (Score 20-34)

Multiple areas of your marriage need attention. The sexual disconnection is likely a symptom of other pillar breakdowns—you can’t fix the bedroom without addressing what’s happening outside of it.

**What this means**: You’re experiencing what we call the “roommate syndrome.” You live together, manage logistics together, maybe even parent together—but the romantic and intimate connection has faded. You’re functioning, but you’re not thriving.

The good news: This level is absolutely recoverable with intentional work. We’ve seen hundreds of couples rebuild from exactly where you are.

**The graduated approach**: Don’t start in the bedroom. Start with emotional intimacy—can you have a real conversation? Then physical intimacy (non-sexual)—can you hold hands without it feeling weird? Then move toward sexual reconnection. Trying to jump straight to sex when the other pillars are broken will only create more frustration and rejection.

**Next steps**:
– **Consider coaching**: At this level, most couples benefit from outside guidance. Not because you’ve failed, but because someone who can see what you can’t see accelerates your progress significantly. [Apply for coaching with Alisa](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/marriage-coaching-v2/?utm_campaign=marriage-coaching&utm_content=is-my-marriage-sexless-quiz&utm_source=blog&utm_medium=referral).
– **Start with emotional connection**: Read our article on [emotional connection in marriage](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/emotional-connection-in-marriage/) and practice the conversation starters.
– **Break the roommate pattern**: Our article on [roommate syndrome](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/roommate-syndrome-marriage/) will help you understand how you got here and how to rebuild.

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### Crisis Level (Score 0-19)

Your marriage is signaling significant distress. This isn’t just about sex anymore—it’s about deep disconnection across emotional, physical, and relational dimensions.

**What this means**: You’re likely feeling hopeless, lonely, and wondering if it’s even possible to come back from here. One or both of you may have emotionally checked out. The rejection (or the withdrawing) has created walls that feel impossible to break down.

Here’s the hope: Our marriage was at this level during our darkest season. We know what it’s like to feel like roommates at best, adversaries at worst. We also know that recovery is possible when both people are willing to do the work.

**This level typically requires outside support**: Not because you’re broken, but because patterns this entrenched need an outside perspective to break. You can’t see what you’re both stuck in when you’re in the middle of it.

**Next steps**:
– **Apply for coaching**: Alisa has guided many couples through this exact situation. The application process helps you both get clear on whether you’re ready to do the work. [Apply here](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/marriage-coaching-v2/?utm_campaign=marriage-coaching&utm_content=is-my-marriage-sexless-quiz&utm_source=blog&utm_medium=referral).
– **If trauma is involved**: If past trauma, abuse, mental health challenges, or addiction are part of your story, we encourage you to work with a qualified therapist. Many couples work with both a therapist (for individual healing) and a marriage coach (for relationship dynamics).
– **Read about recovery**: Our article on [reviving a sexless marriage](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/reviving-sexless-marriage/) will give you hope and practical first steps.

## What Your Score Really Means: The 6 Pillars Perspective

Here’s what we’ve learned after working with thousands of couples: Sexual intimacy is almost always the last pillar to break—and it’s usually the symptom, not the root problem.

The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® framework includes:
1. **Emotional Intimacy** – Sharing feelings, fears, and dreams
2. **Physical Intimacy** – Non-sexual touch and affection
3. **Financial Intimacy** – Aligned goals and healthy money communication
4. **Spiritual Intimacy** – Shared faith and values
5. **Recreational Intimacy** – Fun, play, and shared activities
6. **Sexual Intimacy** – Physical connection and passion

When couples come to us with a sexless marriage, we don’t start with sex. We start by identifying which other pillars have cracks. Almost always, we find the real issues hiding in emotional disconnection, lack of non-sexual touch, no shared fun, or unresolved financial stress.

**If your lowest scores were in emotional connection**, start there. You can’t rebuild sexual intimacy when you don’t feel emotionally safe with each other. Work on having real conversations before you work on having sex.

**If your lowest scores were in physical affection (non-sexual)**, start there. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling—these rebuild comfort with physical closeness. When you’ve avoided touch for months or years, jumping straight to sex feels too vulnerable. Rebuild the foundation first.

**If your lowest scores were in recreational intimacy**, start there. Couples who don’t have fun together struggle to feel attracted to each other. Playfulness and laughter rebuild the friendship that intimacy requires.

The framework gives you a roadmap. You don’t have to guess what’s wrong or try to fix everything at once. You identify the pillar with the biggest crack, focus there, and rebuild systematically.

## Taking This Quiz Together vs. Alone

**Taking it alone**: This is a valid first step. Sometimes you need to understand your own experience before you can invite your spouse into the conversation. Just recognize that your answers may differ significantly from theirs.

**Taking it together**: This opens the conversation and reveals perception gaps. One spouse might score in the “healthy” range while the other scores in “crisis.” That gap is valuable information—it shows you’re experiencing the marriage very differently.

**What if your scores differ significantly?** Don’t argue about who’s right. The gap itself tells you something important: You’re living in the same marriage but experiencing it from different realities. Use that as a conversation starter.

Try these questions after comparing scores:
– “I answered this question this way because… What was your thinking?”
– “Which area surprised you most when you saw your score?”
– “If we could only work on one thing this month, what would make the biggest difference for you?”
– “What do you need from me to feel more connected?”

The goal isn’t to prove who’s right. It’s to understand each other’s experience and find a starting point you both agree on.

## Next Steps Based on Your Results

The real question isn’t “Is my marriage sexless?” The real question is: “Now that I know where we are, what am I willing to do about it?”

**For scores 35-68**: You can likely make significant progress with DIY resources:
– Read the [6 Pillars of Intimacy® book](https://shop.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/collections/the-6-pillars-of-intimacy/products/the-6-pillars-of-intimacy?utm_campaign=6-pillars-book-shopify&utm_content=is-my-marriage-sexless-quiz&utm_source=blog&utm_medium=referral)
– Listen to podcast episodes on your weakest pillar areas
– Try our [5 Day Intimacy Challenge](https://page.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/5-day-intimacy-challenge?utm_campaign=5-day-intimacy-challenge&utm_content=is-my-marriage-sexless-quiz&utm_source=blog&utm_medium=referral)
– Read targeted articles on the specific issues you’re facing

**For scores 20-34**: Consider coaching alongside resources. Outside perspective accelerates recovery. You don’t need coaching because you’ve failed—you need it because someone who can see your patterns clearly helps you break them faster. [Learn about coaching](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/marriage-coaching-v2/?utm_campaign=marriage-coaching&utm_content=is-my-marriage-sexless-quiz&utm_source=blog&utm_medium=referral).

**For scores 0-19**: Professional support is strongly recommended. Whether that’s coaching for marriage dynamics or therapy for underlying trauma (or both), this level needs more than a book can provide. Start with the [coaching application](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/marriage-coaching-v2/?utm_campaign=marriage-coaching&utm_content=is-my-marriage-sexless-quiz&utm_source=blog&utm_medium=referral).

**One more thing**: Don’t try to fix everything at once. Pick your lowest-scoring dimension and commit to one week of intentional focus. What would it look like to prioritize emotional connection for seven days? Or non-sexual touch? Or fun together?

Small, consistent steps in the right direction beat overwhelming yourself with trying to transform everything overnight.

## Frequently Asked Questions

**Q: How accurate is this quiz?**

A: This quiz is a self-assessment tool, not a clinical diagnosis. It’s designed to give you a starting point for understanding your marriage’s intimacy health. Your honest answers make it accurate—defensive answers won’t help you. If you want a deeper assessment, take our free [6 Pillars of Intimacy Quiz](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/quiz/?utm_source=blog&utm_medium=article&utm_campaign=content_marketing) which evaluates all six dimensions in more detail.

**Q: What if my spouse won’t take the quiz?**

A: You can still benefit from taking it yourself. Your answers reveal your experience of the marriage, which is valid even if your spouse doesn’t participate. If your spouse isn’t willing to engage in this kind of assessment, that’s information too—it may point to a deeper unwillingness to work on the marriage. Individual coaching can help you strategize how to open the conversation or what to do when one spouse isn’t engaged.

**Q: We scored differently—now what?**

A: Different scores are incredibly valuable information. They show that you’re experiencing your marriage differently, which explains why you’ve been talking past each other. Use this as a conversation starter: “I answered this question this way because…” Listen to understand, not to argue or prove your perspective right. The goal is to get on the same page about where you are so you can move forward together.

**Q: Is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce?**

A: A sexless marriage is a symptom of deeper issues, not an automatic ending. We’ve worked with many couples who have rebuilt thriving sexual intimacy from complete disconnection. The question isn’t whether it’s “grounds for divorce”—the question is whether both spouses are willing to do the work to rebuild. If you’re asking this question, read our article on [when to walk away from a sexless marriage](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/when-to-walk-away-sexless-marriage/). It will help you think through the complexity of this decision.

**Q: How long does it take to fix a sexless marriage?**

A: It depends on the root causes and how long the pattern has been established. Some couples see significant improvement in 60-90 days with focused, intentional effort. Others need longer, especially if underlying resentment, unresolved trauma, or deep emotional wounds are involved. The 6 Pillars framework provides a roadmap that most couples can follow at their own pace. Working with a coach typically accelerates the timeline because you’re not guessing at what to work on—you have someone helping you see the real issues and address them strategically.

**Q: What if only one of us wants to fix this?**

A: This is one of the hardest situations. You can’t rebuild a marriage alone, but you can change your own responses and patterns—which sometimes shifts the dynamic enough to open the door. Start by working on yourself: your emotional health, your responses, your half of the relational patterns. Sometimes when one spouse starts changing, the other notices and becomes more willing to engage. But if your spouse is completely unwilling after you’ve made real changes, that’s a different conversation. Consider reading our article on [signs your marriage is over](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/signs-marriage-is-over/) or talking to a coach about your specific situation.

## Conclusion

Taking this quiz was a brave first step. You’re not ignoring the problem—you’re facing it honestly and looking for a path forward. That takes courage.

Your score isn’t a judgment. It’s information. It’s a snapshot of where you are right now, not where you have to stay.

Every marriage can grow. The question is whether you’ll do the work.

We would have scored in the Crisis Level during our darkest season. If someone had told us then that we’d spend the next 15+ years helping thousands of couples rebuild their intimacy, we wouldn’t have believed it. But here we are.

If we could come back from that place, so can you.

**Your next step depends on your score:**
– **50-68**: Keep learning and growing. Take the [6 Pillars Quiz](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/quiz/?utm_source=blog&utm_medium=article&utm_campaign=content_marketing) for deeper insight.
– **35-49**: Start with the [6 Pillars of Intimacy® book](https://shop.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/collections/the-6-pillars-of-intimacy/products/the-6-pillars-of-intimacy?utm_campaign=6-pillars-book-shopify&utm_content=is-my-marriage-sexless-quiz&utm_source=blog&utm_medium=referral) and focus on your weakest area.
– **20-34**: [Apply for coaching](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/marriage-coaching-v2/?utm_campaign=marriage-coaching&utm_content=is-my-marriage-sexless-quiz&utm_source=blog&utm_medium=referral) to get personalized guidance.
– **0-19**: [Apply for coaching now](https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/marriage-coaching-v2/?utm_campaign=marriage-coaching&utm_content=is-my-marriage-sexless-quiz&utm_source=blog&utm_medium=referral). This level needs outside support.

You don’t have to stay where you are. But you do have to take the next step.

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