IT’S NOT TALKING DIRTY, IT’S TALKING CLEARLY

It’s been stated time and time again that communication is important in our marriages.

We hear that we need to make time each day to sit down with our spouse, find out about their day, what events have happened, etc.  All of us need this interaction for a healthy marriage.

The next question, in my mind, is this…have you taken that talk to your bedroom?

Now I’m not talking about communicating the way I described above, but talking about the dreams and desires that each of you have in regard to your physical intimacy.

Have you communicated to each other about those touches that send a chill up your spine or the caresses that make you melt at the knees?

Husbands, have you told your wife how she can touch you in such a way that will make your love making more enjoyable and memorable?

Wives, have you told your husband what touches please you and what you would like him to do to your body?

Can the two of you explain to each other two, three, or four sexual positions that send your love making out of this world or that you would like to try?  Sexual intimacy is about trust and being comfortable with your spouse.  I do not advocate trying something that you and/or your spouse are not comfortable doing.  Both of you need to be in agreement to make this time special.

Do you know what your spouse desires?  Have you asked?  What’s holding you back?

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15 thoughts on “IT’S NOT TALKING DIRTY, IT’S TALKING CLEARLY

  1. I totally agree with your take on this issue, and I think the ability to talk about your “intimate” preferences is a good indicator of the health of your communication. My wife and I may have some different preferences, but the fact that we can talk openly about it and respect each others wishes adds a lot of quality to our sex lives.

  2. So true Tony… getting specific in communicating wants, desires, and what “feels good!” etc., takes sexual intimacy to a profound level. Many of the women I speak with find it embarrassing to express themselves verbally in bed or to ask their husband's what they specifically prefer. I point out that the reason this may feel embarrasing is that we rarely get much opportunity to talk about intimate sexual details in everyday life. Every other kind of verbal communication (interacting with friends, coworkers, etc.) we get ample opportunities to practice and refine because we spend so much time talking throughout the day (but not about sex).

    If the women I speak with are struggling with how to express themselves verbally in bed, I say, “Start small.” Instead of saying, “How would like me to touch your penis?” a wife could ask, “How do you like to be caressed?” It's just a slight change in wording, but can break the ice. Or even saying, “I know it feels odd to talk about what we want sexually, but I want us to be able to.” Tone carries a lot of weight.

    P.S. I think too many women assume that their husband simply thrusting within them is “enough” for him… that his sexual satisfaction doesn't vary much. I think women are somewhat surprised when I tell them that their husbands would likely prefer a little variety in the ways they are caressed and aroused. I agree with you…there needs to be mutual respect and honor, but too many couples are missing out on profound sexual intimacy because they are not talking about it. Thanks for the great post!

  3. Kudos to the two of you for openly communicating your wishes in your bedroom. I'm sure NFP has played a part in this as you need to know what is happening with her each month. Keep it up you guys rock!

  4. Your insights on the amount of time we spend verbalizing our sexual desires is right on. Alisa and I didn't talk about sex all the time before we did our 60 Days of Sex. When we got to the bedroom it would be awkward to discuss these desires. Once we started the 60 Days of Sex there wasn't anywhere to go. We had to talk about sex and this allowed us to become more open with one another in the bedroom. To this day we talk more freely and openly with each other.

    As a husband I like the variety that we bring to our bedroom. “Thrust is enough” isn't my cup of tea. I will have to say that many folks don't know what to do. They've done the same position, same place for so long that they get stuck in a rut, similar to a job.

    Just a couple of weeks ago Alisa and I were sensing that we were sort of in a rut and you know what we did? We pulled out the Joy of Sex and thumbed through it together. Now, we've gone through this book many of times over the years, but on this occasion we found a position that we hadn't tried. We tried it that night and it was an amazing love making session for both of us.

    Thanks for you awesome insights and I hope we can continue to learn from each other.

    Tony

  5. Nothing's holding me back now! Thanks for the encouragement….forwarded this to my wife. But if we have another kid in 9 months you owe me a box of diapers.

  6. This is something I've been working on in the bedroom. I have some trouble communicating what I want, though, mostly because I don't know what that is. I think my husband has some trouble with it because he's just plain embarrassed. I'd love to hear from the other men here about how a woman can help her man talk more about what he wants in bed.

  7. I hope she takes it to heart and the two of you can have some great conversations in the bedroom. Now when it comes to having more kids we take no responsibility. We're all adults here and hopefully know how to prevent kiddos from showing up. ; )

  8. Alisa,

    It's good to hear that you have been working on this and you are right, it does take practice and can feel a bit awkward when you first start. As Julie Sibert said in an earlier comment, start small-for both of you.

    As the two of you practice this skill, and yes, it can be developed you will find that it is easier for you and more comfortable for him. Perhaps have the conversation when you are not in the bedroom, talk about what you enjoy when you are making love and ask your husband to share the same.

    Men, your thoughts?

    Alisa

  9. Sarah – I wouldn't be able to do this type of talking if I was angry. The bedroom talk we discuss here is best when both of you are in a good place and are open and ready to move past the everyday sexual activities in the bedroom. We typically work out our issues before going to bed so that when we do have this discussion in our bedroom there is nothing holding us back. We are able to serve each other and have amazing sex. Glad you liked the post.

  10. The key is that BOTH need to agree. BOTH need to want to make some effort. BOTH need to be interested.

    I've asked what she would like to try. She will never ever say.

    I asked her to try some very basic NORMAL things. I've spaced my requests out by years so there's no pressure. The answer is always no.

    ….so missionary it is. I “like” missionary. But that's what we've been doing for 18 years on the same spot on the same bed for most of that time. Some variety would be nice. But its always …… no

    I don't ever ask anymore. there's no point.

    LS

  11. This is a tough situation you are in LS. Have the two of you gone and talked to a sex therapist? I would think at this point in your marriage she may need someone to help her and you through this road block. I can understand how coming to her and asking to change it up and getting rejected each time wears on you.

    I wish I had more to help you through this, but after this length of time a third party would be the best bet.

  12. A wise person once told me that “Sex is ridiculous” I if you think about all the noises, strange faces and contortions. I think God was telling us to not make sex so serious. If you have an attitude of business and goals going in I think it shows in the results. I think we need to laugh and keep talking through sex. Its been hard for me coming from a Christian upbringing and only getting the “Stay away from sex” its for procreation idea. It made sex seem forbidden and I think that helped create a stronghold for Pornography later in life. Its important to keep a fun attitude about sex. That is why we should have sex in committed relation ships so you can be open and honest and that makes sex really fulfilling.

  13. Brian – If you look at sex the way you described it does seem a bit odd for most of us. I think that is why so many couples make sure the the lights are turned off. Over the last couple of months Alisa and I have been making it a point to keep the lights on and our eyes open while making love. To tell you the truth it is an amazing sight to see. It takes away the seriousness and allows us to really connect.

    The stay away from sex is a tough one that many of us have had to deal with into adult hood. Because of this attitude toward sex some men turn to porn later in life to release their pent up frustration. I hope that by listening to our podcast Episode 006 you'll hear how I overcame my addiction to porn. It's been a long process having the intimacy Alisa and I do now, but there is no way we would be here if I was looking at porn.

    Being open and honest in the bedroom is key for couples to be able to have the passionate and true intimacy they desire. One thing that also needs to be worked out are the veils/masks that we put on. These need to come off so that our spouses see us for who we are, children of God.

    Thanks for joining us here on ONE. I hope you continue to contribute.

    -Tony