Sometimes in marriage, it’s easy to start the conversation with your spouse. Other times, it is not.


The busyness of life, work, and children can create a disconnect between you and your spouse. You’re so busy taking care of everything else that you forget to check in with each other.

Eventually, you can’t remember the last time you and your spouse had a deep discussion.

A lack of meaningful conversation marks a crack in your Emotional Intimacy Pillar. The crack won’t fix itself, but there are several solutions and resources to help you get the conversation started again.

The Emotional Intimacy Pillar

The workhorse of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® is emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is the closeness and connection between you and your spouse when the two of you share your feelings, thoughts, and desires. It includes both verbal and non-verbal communication.

Your emotional intimacy can fade when you stop having meaningful conversations with your spouse.

Gaps in your emotional intimacy can lead to shallow conversations, fear of bothering your spouse, and a lack of vulnerability between you.

Your emotional intimacy can deteriorate without you realizing it. You need to take intentional and consistent action to keep your emotional intimacy strong.

When cracks fester for days, weeks, or years, fixing the issue can be challenging and painful.

But your marriage is worth it.

You can restore the connection between you and your spouse. In fact, it’s vital to address communication issues since The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® are all connected and affect each other.

3 Reasons You Need to Talk

Emotional intimacy is necessary for a healthy marriagewhether you’ve been married for years or are just starting out.

There are many reasons to converse with your spouse about meaningful topics. Keep these three things in mind as you work on improving your emotional intimacy:

People Change

You and your spouse are ever-growing people. The things you enjoy, desire, or fear will change over time.

To keep your relationship strong, you need to be curious about your spouse and continue to learn about them. Asking questions and having meaningful conversations is a great way to strengthen your emotional intimacy.

Vulnerability is Powerful

To experience the closeness and connection of emotional intimacy, you must be vulnerable. You cannot strengthen your intimacy if one or both of you remain guarded or judgmental.

It might feel uncomfortable, but sharing your thoughts is necessary. After all, your spouse can’t read your mind.

As much as you want your spouse to hear and understand you, you must also seek to understand your spouse. Remember: they are being vulnerable, too.

Your Spouse Deserves Your Attention

The world around you is vying for your attention. Cracks can form in your emotional intimacy when you and your spouse spend more time looking at your devices than connecting with each other.

Make your spouse a priority by limiting distractions. When you start the conversation, put your phones away, turn off the television, and focus on each other. Your time is one of the best gifts you can give your spouse.

How to Start the Conversation

Emotional intimacy is a foundational part of your marriage, so it can feel daunting to get the conversation started again after a season of shallow conversations.

You might feel so disconnected that you don’t know where to begin. Thankfully, there are three steps you can follow to begin improving your emotional intimacy.

Take Advantage of Resources

There are plenty of solutions to help you get the conversation started with your spouse.

A deck of conversation cards can make talking with your spouse fun. Resources like 88 Great Conversation Starters or TableTopics can get the conversation flowing with meaningful questions.

Another excellent resource for asking the right questions is Connect Like You Did When You First Met: 101 Proven Questions for Couples. This book includes relevant questions on subjects such as sexual intimacy, financial issues, career aspirations, and more.

Both serious and silly questions can help you grow closer to your spouse. For example, you might feel connected while discussing the things that make you feel loved. But you can also feel connected as you laugh about the worst outfit you had to wear as a kid.

The resources above include a variety of questions and prompts to help you have meaningful conversations. Find a resource that works for you and use it to start the conversation.

Start a Timer

Begin by setting aside 10-15 minutes to talk with your spouse. Your conversations don’t have to last for hours to make an impact. You can ease your way back into conversation.

You can start the conversation anywhere as long as you can focus on your spouse. Consider going on a walk or getting coffee together. You can even start the conversation at the kitchen table or in bed if you remember to remove distractions.

Take Turns Talking

For 10-15 minutes, take turns asking and answering questions.

It’s essential that both of you talk and listen. If one of you doesn’t have an answer to a question or prompt, don’t immediately move on or say you don’t know. Instead, ask for time to think about it.

The point isn’t to get through as many questions as possible during the 10-15 minutes. In fact, focusing on just one question can lead to deeper and more meaningful conversations.

Experience the Emotional Intimacy You Desire

Conversation starters require you to be open and vulnerable, which can be difficult if you have fallen out of practice. Even if it’s hard, don’t give up. It will take some time to improve your emotional intimacy.

The most important step is to get started.

Look into all your options, and incorporate solutions that work for you, whether that’s conversation starters, communication books, or other resources.

If you or your spouse struggle to communicate, it may be time to seek personal help. Marriage coaching can help the two of you open up about your feelings, which can lead to stronger emotional intimacy. If you want to get back to the emotional intimacy you once had, apply for personal help today.

Watch the video below to rekindle the spark and restore the connection in your marriage today!

In the 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, you will discover secrets that have transformed countless marriages. Its ideas are simple, practical, and powerful. You’ll be inspired to look at your marriage through a new lens and be encouraged by its commonsense approach.

Alisa and Tony DiLorenzo's proven approach to building intimacy in marriage will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your spouse – starting today. Click HERE to get your copy today!

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, we will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, we only recommend products or services we use personally and believe will add value to our readers. We are disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Medical Disclaimer: The content of this article & website is provided for general informational purposes only and is not intended as, nor should it be considered a substitute for, professional medical advice. Do not use the information on this website for diagnosing or treating any medical or health condition. If you have or suspect you have a medical problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider.