Praying For Your Spouse When You’re Struggling: A Guide to Spiritual Intimacy in Hard Times

When your marriage is in crisis, prayer can feel like the last thing you want to do. How can you pray for someone who hurt you? How do you pray together when you can barely stand to be in the same room?

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We get it. We’ve been there.

There was a season in our marriage when we were facing Tony’s pornography addiction, the aftermath of losing a child, and over $50,000 in debt. We were living like roommates. The thought of praying together felt impossible. Prayer felt like performance, like we’d be hypocrites asking God to fix our marriage when we couldn’t even talk to each other without fighting.

But here’s what we’ve learned after navigating our own crisis and working with hundreds of couples: prayer isn’t about feeling spiritual enough to do it. Prayer changes you first, then creates space for your marriage to heal. And spiritual intimacy—when you can finally get there—is one of the most powerful pillars holding your marriage together.

In this article, we’ll show you how to start praying for your spouse when it’s hard, how to eventually pray with them, and why this matters more than you might think.

Why Prayer Feels Hard When Your Marriage Is Struggling

Let’s be honest: when you’re hurt, angry, or resentful toward your spouse, prayer is the last thing on your mind. You’ve built walls around your heart with “NO TRESPASSING” signs all over them. The idea of praying for the person who caused your pain feels hypocritical, forced, or just plain impossible.

You might be thinking, “I can’t pray for them. I don’t feel it.”

Here’s what we want you to hear: you don’t have to feel it before you can pray it. Prayer isn’t about performing spiritual gymnastics or pretending everything is fine when it’s not. God can handle your anger. He can handle your hurt. He already knows what you’re feeling anyway.

The myth is that you need to have your emotions sorted out before you can pray. The reality is that prayer is how you begin sorting them out.

Prayer changes you first. It invites God into the mess you’re in. And when God starts working on your heart, that creates space for your marriage to shift.

The Difference Between Praying FOR Your Spouse vs. WITH Your Spouse

There are two ways to pray in your marriage, and both are necessary at different seasons.

Praying FOR your spouse is interceding when they’re not present. This is where you bring your spouse before God when you’re alone. You ask God to work in their heart, to reveal what they need to see, to draw them closer to Him. This is especially appropriate when conflict is high and you can’t pray together yet.

The benefits of praying for your spouse include:

• Processing your own heart before God
• Surrendering control of the outcome
• Inviting God into the healing process

Praying WITH your spouse is shared spiritual intimacy. This is when you’re physically together, often holding hands, and praying out loud with each other. This creates vulnerability, builds your spiritual intimacy pillar, and reminds you that you’re on the same team.

As we’ve said many times on our podcast: praying together can be more intimate than sex. When you hear your spouse pray, you’re getting a window into their soul. You’re hearing their deepest struggles, their greatest fears, their most vulnerable requests. Most people never share their prayers with another person.

So when should you transition from praying FOR to praying WITH? When you can be in the same space without immediate anger or conflict. When there’s enough emotional safety to be vulnerable. When both of you are willing to try, even if it feels awkward.

Both are necessary. Start where you are.

How to Pray FOR Your Spouse When You’re Hurt or Angry

If you’re not ready to pray with your spouse yet, start by praying for them when they’re not around. Here’s how:

Step 1: Start with YOUR Heart (Not Changing Them)

This is counterintuitive, but it’s crucial. Before you pray for your spouse, pray for yourself.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

Ask God to reveal where you’ve contributed to the conflict. Pray for your own blindness, your own defensiveness, your own pride. This isn’t about taking all the blame. It’s about acknowledging that marriage problems are rarely one-sided.

Example prayer: “God, show me where I’ve been wrong. Reveal my blind spots. Help me see what I can’t see on my own.”

Step 2: Pray for Their Heart (Not Their Behavior Change)

Here’s the key: don’t pray for God to fix your spouse’s behavior toward you. That’s manipulation disguised as prayer.

Instead, pray for their relationship with God. Pray that God would draw them close, that they would know His love, that He would reveal truth to them.

Example: “God, draw my spouse close to You. Reveal Your love to them in ways they can receive it. Give them the clarity and wisdom they need right now.”

Notice the difference? You’re not asking God to make them apologize or change how they treat you. You’re asking God to work in their heart independent of your marriage. That’s true intercession.

Step 3: Pray for Your Marriage Covenant

Pray for the oneness that God designed for your marriage. Pray for protection against the enemy’s schemes—affairs, bitterness, divorce thoughts, growing distance.

Example: “God, protect our marriage. We made a covenant before You, and even though we’re struggling, I ask that You would guard our hearts against anything that would pull us apart. Remind us that we’re on the same team.”

Step 4: Pray for Divine Intervention

Acknowledge what’s beyond your control. Invite God to do what you cannot do.

Example: “God, I can’t change my spouse. I can’t fix this on my own. I need You to do what only You can do. I surrender control to You.”

Practical tips:

• Journal your prayers when you’re too angry to pray out loud
• Set a timer for 5 minutes (short and sustainable beats ambitious and abandoned)
• Use Scripture as your prayer framework

How to Start Praying WITH Your Spouse (Even When It’s Awkward)

Eventually, if you want to strengthen the Spiritual Intimacy pillar in your marriage, you’ll need to transition from praying for your spouse to praying with them.

We know this feels awkward. Trust us, we’ve been there. Tony and I tried for years to pray together and kept failing because we thought it had to look a certain way. We’d try to wake up at dawn like we heard pastors describe. We’d fall asleep instead. We felt like failures.

Here’s the permission we wish someone had given us: you don’t have to sit across from each other at a table saying formal prayers for an hour. You don’t have to sound eloquent or theological.

3 Simple Ways to Start Praying Together

1. The 1-Sentence Prayer Before Bed

Each person prays one sentence out loud. That’s it. No pressure, no performance.

Example: “God, help us to be kind to each other tomorrow.” “God, thank You for being with us through this hard season.”

2. Hold Hands and Let One Person Lead

Physical connection matters. Hold hands, and let one person pray a short prayer (2-3 minutes max). Alternate who leads each time.

The physical touch while praying reminds you that you’re connected, even when everything else feels disconnected.

3. Text Prayer Requests to Each Other

This is a lower barrier than face-to-face prayer. Text your spouse: “Can you pray for [specific thing] today?” Then do it. Report back that you prayed. This builds spiritual intimacy without the vulnerability of praying out loud together.

What to Pray About Together

Start with topics that unite you rather than divide you:

• Your kids
• Financial stress
• Health concerns
• Decisions you need to make together

As you build trust in this area, you can eventually pray about the harder stuff—forgiveness, healing in your relationship, the struggles between you.

5 Powerful Prayers for a Struggling Marriage

Here are five prayers you can use as starting points:

Prayer 1: For Your Own Heart

“God, search my heart. Show me where I’ve been wrong, where I’ve been defensive, where I’ve contributed to the problems in my marriage. Give me humility to see my part clearly.”

Prayer 2: For Your Spouse’s Heart

“God, draw my spouse close to You. Help them to know Your love in a deep, personal way. Give them wisdom and clarity for what they’re facing right now.”

Prayer 3: For Unity and Oneness

“God, You designed us to become one. Even though we feel distant right now, I ask that You would restore the oneness we promised on our wedding day. Help us remember we’re on the same team.”

Prayer 4: For Protection

“God, protect our marriage from anything that would destroy it. Guard our hearts against bitterness, affairs, and giving up. Help us fight for this covenant we made.”

Prayer 5: For Breakthrough

“God, only You can do what we cannot do on our own. We need a breakthrough. We need Your intervention. We’re asking for a miracle in our marriage.”

When Prayer Alone Isn’t Enough

Let’s be clear: prayer is foundational, but it’s not always sufficient on its own.

If you’re dealing with active addiction, abuse (verbal, emotional, or physical), unrepentant infidelity, or a mental health crisis, you need more than prayer. You need professional help.

As James 2:17 reminds us, “Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” Prayer without action is incomplete.

Prayer creates the spiritual foundation. But sometimes you need to combine that foundation with coaching or counseling to address the patterns in your marriage.

We’ve been there. Sometimes we had to get in there with other people to work through the hard stuff. Prayer opened the door, but we had to walk through it with help.

If you’ve been praying for months or years and the same patterns keep repeating, consider working with someone who can help you see what you can’t see on your own. Apply for marriage coaching with Alisa—she’s guided hundreds of couples through exactly what you’re facing.

For situations involving past trauma, abuse history, or severe mental health challenges, we also encourage working with a qualified therapist. Coaching can complement therapy by focusing on the marriage dynamics while therapy addresses individual healing.

FAQ: Praying in a Struggling Marriage

Q: How do I pray for my spouse when I’m angry at them?

A: Start by praying for your own heart first. Bring your anger honestly to God—He can handle it. Ask God to reveal where you’ve contributed to the conflict. Then pray for your spouse’s relationship with God (not their behavior toward you). Avoid “fix them” prayers, which are manipulation, not intercession.

Q: Is it okay to pray together when we’re fighting?

A: Yes, but it may require a pause. If emotions are too high, take 10 minutes to cool down, then pray together. Even a simple one-sentence prayer like “God, help us resolve this with kindness” can interrupt the conflict cycle and remind you you’re on the same team.

Q: What if my spouse won’t pray with me?

A: Don’t force it. Start by consistently praying for them. Model what spiritual intimacy looks like. Over time, they may become curious or willing. You can also suggest prayer at natural moments—before a difficult conversation, during a crisis, or before making a big decision together.

Q: How often should we pray together as a couple?

A: Start small. Once a week for 5 minutes is enough. Consistency matters more than length. As it becomes more natural, you can increase frequency. Don’t compare your marriage to others—find what works for you.

Q: Can prayer really fix a broken marriage?

A: Prayer invites God into your healing process and changes your heart first. It’s a critical foundation, but action is also required. Many marriages need prayer combined with coaching and intentional work across all 6 Pillars of Intimacy®. Prayer opens the door; you must walk through it together.

Your Next Step

If your marriage is struggling, prayer is one of the most powerful tools you have. But remember:

• You don’t have to feel spiritual to start praying
• Prayer changes you first, then creates space for your marriage to heal
• Both praying FOR and praying WITH your spouse are necessary at different seasons
• Spiritual intimacy can be more vulnerable than sexual intimacy
• Prayer combined with action is the biblical model

Here’s your challenge this week: pick one small prayer practice from this article and start today. If you’re not ready to pray with your spouse, start by praying for them for 5 minutes a day. If you’re ready to try praying together, start with the 1-sentence prayer tonight before bed.

Your willingness to pray—even when it’s hard, even when you don’t feel it—is evidence that God is already at work in your marriage.

If you’ve been praying and trying for months or years without seeing change, consider whether you need additional support. Apply for one-on-one coaching with Alisa. Sometimes the breakthrough you’re praying for requires both divine intervention and someone who can help you see your blind spots and build new patterns together.