ROMANCE FOR HIM & HER

Whether you’re a husband or wife, romance is fundamental to your marriage. The excitement of romance helps keep the spark alive between the two of you. 

In the early stages of your relationship, romance was a key element. The two of you spent time and energy to make the other feel loved and desired.

But romance can easily fall on the back burner. 

Eventually, you might find yourself thinking, “We aren’t romantic at all anymore.”

The romance between a husband and wife doesn’t have to fade over the years. Rather, when you continually approach romance with curiosity and intentionality, you can keep your 6 Pillars of Intimacy® strong. 

Understanding romance—and how it affects both of you as husband and wife—can transform your marriage into something extraordinary. 

What is Romance?

Romance fills you with feelings of excitement. You can pinpoint specific memories in which you felt romanced by your spouse. 

In The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, romance is the first stage of sexual intimacy.

In addition to romance, sexual intimacy also includes initiation, foreplay, and sexual intercourse itself. These stages of sexual intimacy contribute to stronger emotional intimacy, heightened trust, and deeper connection. 

Romance is a critical component of marriage. Not only is it an overture to sexual intimacy, but it can strengthen all 6 Pillars of Intimacy®. 

But communicating about romance can be tricky.

Around 60-65% of husbands and wives in the ONE Family say they know how they like to be romanced. However, of those same respondents, only around 35-40% say their spouse knows how to romance them. 

That’s a gap of at least 20%. And that disconnect can lead to frustration and disappointment. 

To keep your marriage strong, the two of you need to know what romance means to you and what it looks like in action.  

Defining Romance as Husband and Wife

How you and your spouse define romance will be unique to your marriage. 

It’s important to recognize the outside factors that influence your view of romance. You might have gained an idea of romance from movies, books, and social media. 

Ultimately, how romance looks in the media or someone else’s marriage might not be how you want romance to look in your marriage. 

Rather than looking at external definitions of romance, you must define it yourself. 

First, spend some time defining what romance means to you. Keep in mind that it can change over time. It’s possible that the ways you felt romanced at the beginning of your relationship aren’t the same today.  

Then, talk with your spouse about what romance means to them. Their answers might surprise you. When you know what your spouse wants, you can take action to romance them in the right ways.  

Next, discuss the obstacles that limit romance for the two of you. Perhaps you always feel too exhausted or too busy to romance each other. Or maybe finances are tight, and you don’t feel comfortable spending money on flowers or a date. 

Finally, be open about anything that makes it hard for you to receive romance. For example, you might not feel romanced by your spouse if you think they’re only making sweet gestures so that you’ll have sex. Communicate what things close you off to romance from your spouse. 

Romance and The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®

The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® is a framework to help you and your spouse deepen the closeness and connection in your marriage. 

While romance certainly affects your sexual intimacy, remember that all the pillars are interconnected. Likewise, romance has the potential to strengthen (or weaken in its absence) all areas of intimacy in your marriage. 

How you feel romanced as a husband or wife is unique to you. Even so, it’s not always easy to articulate what you want. 

Thankfully, members of the ONE Family have shared ideas from their own marriages that can help you define what romance means to you and how it looks in your marriage. 

Whether you feel like romance has disappeared from your marriage altogether or simply want to reignite fun and excitement again, you can use The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® as a guide for how you and your spouse can take action. 

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the closeness and connection created when you share your feelings, thoughts, and desires with each other.

Romance in the Emotional Intimacy Pillar might look like: 

• Deep conversation
• Loving words
• Putting down the phone and being attentive
• A love note, poem, or sweet text
• Compliments
• Noticing or remembering the little things 
• Vulnerability
• “I love you.”

Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is the closeness and connection created through loving touch.

Romance in the Physical Intimacy Pillar might look like: 

• Foot or back rubs
• Sweet or passionate kisses
• Massages
• Dancing
• Caressing your face or other body parts
• Naked cuddling
• Holding hands

Financial Intimacy

Financial intimacy is about being close and connected in every financial aspect of your marriage.

Romance in the Financial Intimacy Pillar might look like: 

• Planning ahead for a surprise getaway
• Helping your spouse save for something they want
• Determining a budget for surprise gifts
• Protecting your spouse’s future by creating a will and getting life insurance

Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual intimacy encompasses all your religious beliefs and observed practices.

Romance in the Spiritual Intimacy Pillar might look like: 

• Praying for and with your spouse
• Making plans to go to church or a small group together
• Setting aside one day a week to rest together or do something special
• Addressing obstacles that get in the way of your spiritual intimacy (busyness, stress, etc.)

Recreational Intimacy

Recreational intimacy is all about what you do together for fun.

Romance in the Recreational Intimacy Pillar might look like: 

• Date night without the kids
• Playing board games by the fireplace or by candlelight 
• Planning an entire date so your spouse doesn’t have to think about the details (and vice versa)
• Going for a drive around town

Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy encompasses everything about your sexual connection with your spouse.

Romance in the Sexual Intimacy Pillar might look like: 

• Being the one to initiate sex (and vice versa)
• Romantic conversations
• Wearing lingerie
• Sending flirty text messages
• Talking about sex
• Moaning or vocalizing pleasure during sexual encounters

3 Romance Tips

Keeping romance alive and well in your marriage is essential. As you reignite the romance, keep in mind three things: 

1. Consistency matters. While grand romantic gestures can be meaningful, it’s important to romance your spouse throughout the year. Little things add up to a lot. 
2. Don’t be afraid to schedule romance. If you are having trouble remembering to romance your spouse, make it part of your schedule. Set a reminder to buy flowers or put a love note on your spouse’s nightstand. Just because it’s not spontaneous doesn’t mean it’s not romantic.
3. Keep the conversation going. Defining romance and what it means to the two of you is not a one-time conversation. The ways you feel romanced and loved may change. Check in regularly with your spouse about what romance means to them. And as your preferences change, update your spouse about what makes you feel loved. 

As a husband or wife, you want to feel desired and pursued by your spouse. You also want to know how to romance your spouse in ways that make them feel desired and pursued. 

Make romance happen in your marriage by creating a plan with your spouse and taking action. Perhaps you need to challenge yourselves to be romantic for 30 days. Alternatively, you might need to schedule specific times on your calendars to romance each other. 

For new ideas of ways to romance each other, subscribe to the Position Post Magazine. This monthly magazine provides countless resources to help you create romance and build intimacy in your marriage throughout the year.

Whatever works for you, take action to make romance happen. As a result, you can experience excitement and passion in your marriage once again.