Knowing how to strengthen your marriage can be hard when your spouse seems disinterested, disengaged, or otherwise unwilling to make changes.


Most couples desire closeness and connection (in other words, intimacy) in their marriage. But what happens when only one spouse is willing to make the effort?

You might have shared countless ideas with your spouse about how to strengthen your marriage, but they just don’t seem to care.

So what can you do?

We’re here to tell you that there is hope. In fact, there are several steps you can take to develop your 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, even when it feels like your spouse doesn’t want to.

Does this sound familiar?

Maybe you’ve been in one of these situations before:

You think attending marriage coaching or counseling would help address some emotional intimacy issues, but your spouse is resistant to the idea.

You want to spend more time cuddling and being physically affectionate with your spouse. Yet when you make the request, they say they just aren’t touchy-feely like that.

You want to start meeting weekly to discuss your cash flow or budget. In response, your spouse says they know everything they need to know and don’t want to add another item to their to-do list.

You want to become more involved in church by attending regularly and joining a small group. But your spouse isn’t interested in doing that with you.

You saw an advertisement for a ballroom dancing class you would love to do with your spouse. When you present the idea, they shut it down.

The idea of sexting or using toys intrigues you, and you present it to your spouse as a way to expand and deepen your sexual intimacy. They say they don’t want to try it.

In each of these scenarios, it can feel like you’ve hit a wall. You don’t know where to go because you feel defeated and rejected.

However, there is always something you can do.

3 Steps to Strengthen Your Marriage Without Your Spouse

On the day that you spoke your wedding vows, the two of you became a team. But sometimes, it can feel like your spouse isn’t on the same team as you. While you desire an extraordinary marriage, they might be fine settling for an ordinary one.

So, what can you do to keep your marriage strong even if your spouse seems indifferent?

1. Pick a Pillar

First, decide which of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® you want to develop. It will be easier to take action in the beginning when you can focus your efforts on one area of your marriage.

Here’s a quick introduction to The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®:

Emotional intimacy is the closeness and connection created through sharing your feelings, thoughts, and desires with each other.

Physical intimacy is the closeness and connection created through loving touch. This is not to be confused with sexual intimacy.

Financial intimacy is about being close and connected in every financial aspect of your marriage. This includes day-to-day finances, insurance, retirement, estate plans, and more.

Spiritual intimacy encompasses all your religious beliefs and observed religious practices. This can include praying, attending church, or discussing spiritual issues as a couple.

Recreational intimacy is all about what you do together at home, on dates, or just for fun. It’s the plans the two of you make to spend time together, doing things you enjoy and having fun.

Sexual intimacy encompasses everything about your sexual connection with your spouse, including romance, initiation, foreplay, and sexual intercourse.

Pick one of these pillars to start with.

2. Start with Yourself

Next, ask yourself this question: “What can I do?”

Marriage consists of two people. Although you became one on your wedding day, you are still two different individuals. And you can only control one of them: yourself.

Instead of feeling helpless, shift your mindset to look for what you can do.

A few things happen when you ask, “What can I do?”.

First, you focus less on what you think your spouse needs to change and more on what you can do to change.

Second, you can stop blaming or complaining about what is happening in your marriage.

And perhaps most importantly, you aren’t putting all the relationship responsibility on them.

Depending on which intimacy pillar you want to address, here are some actions you can take by yourself to strengthen your marriage:

Emotional Intimacy

Start deepening your emotional intimacy with your spouse by defining what this pillar means to you. This ensures that the two of you can work toward building emotional intimacy with the same understanding.

Become more in tune with your emotions. For example, look up an emotions wheel and reference it when sharing your feelings with your spouse. This helps you be specific and direct.

Physical Intimacy

Say thank you when your spouse touches you in a way that you like. Not only does this help your spouse know where you enjoy being touched, but your gratitude also helps to reinforce the action.

You can also create a list of touches that you and your spouse like and dislike. Then, be intentional about building physical intimacy by touching your spouse when and where they like.

Financial Intimacy

Be upfront and honest about your spending. Don’t hide any purchases or fudge the numbers on your budget. Additionally, participate in financial conversations with your spouse.

Spiritual Intimacy

If your spouse is uninterested in developing spiritual intimacy, pray for them. Pray for the situation and for them in general. In fact, praying for your spouse requires that you know what’s going on in their life. As a result, you can build both emotional and spiritual intimacy with this practice.

You can also encourage your spouse in their faith journey, no matter where they are.

Recreational Intimacy

Choose to try things your spouse enjoys. You might discover you like it too! But more importantly, you can spend time together and build both recreational intimacy and emotional intimacy through conversation and fun, quality time.

Additionally, protect time on your schedule for spending time with your spouse, even if it’s just a short date or a weekend getaway.

Sexual Intimacy

Wear sexy clothing that you know your spouse likes. Ask them questions about their favorite colors and textures. Alternatively, buy something sexy for your spouse to wear.

It’s also important to romance your spouse. Make your spouse feel desired by sending surprise texts, getting them flowers or their favorite treat, or planning something special.

3. Seek Outside Guidance

Change can start with you, but it takes two to transform a marriage. If you are the only one in your marriage asking, “What can I do?” then it’s time to find a marriage coach or counselor.

There might be several reasons your spouse is not engaging or seeking to do their part in the marriage. In that case, it’s vital to get outside help to understand the root causes of this issue.

Even if your spouse is not open to marriage coaching at first, you need someone to talk with about your experiences. Start going by yourself and continue to invite your spouse to participate in the conversations with you.

Continue Your Personal Progress

Ultimately, you both have the personal power to create change in your marriage. By stepping up to strengthen your marriage—even if you’re doing so alone—you can shift the entire dynamic.

To dive deeper and ask “What can I do?” grab the The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® Book + Workbook Bundle. While the book provides practical tools and strategies, the workbook format allows you to be an active participant as you level up your marriage.

It doesn’t matter where you are today, with the resources in this workbook, you’ll become equipped to make your marriage extraordinary. Get yours today!

Watch the video below to rekindle the spark and restore the connection in your marriage today!

In the 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, you will discover secrets that have transformed countless marriages. Its ideas are simple, practical, and powerful. You’ll be inspired to look at your marriage through a new lens and be encouraged by its commonsense approach.

Alisa and Tony DiLorenzo's proven approach to building intimacy in marriage will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your spouse – starting today. Click HERE to get your copy today!

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