4 Things Extraordinary Marriages Get Right (And How to Start)

We have been doing this long enough to know something: most couples do not need more information. They need a place to start.

That is why we built The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® framework. It takes something as beautifully complex as marriage and gives you a clear, practical way to strengthen it… one pillar at a time.

All six pillars matter. But there are four that come up again and again in our coaching calls, inbox, and DMs from couples who are not sure what to do next. These are the ones that, when you strengthen them, often shift everything else.

So whether your marriage needs a tune-up or a full renovation, here is where to start.

4. Recreational Intimacy: Play Together, Stay Together

This one gets underestimated constantly. Life gets busy, and the first thing most couples cut is fun. Date nights get canceled. Hobbies get shelved. And slowly… you stop feeling like teammates and start feeling like roommates.

Recreational intimacy is about sharing experiences that bring you joy. It does not have to be expensive or elaborate. It simply has to be intentional.

When you laugh together, try new things together, and pursue adventure as a couple, it builds a bond that is genuinely hard to break.

Try this:

Choose one intentional activity to do together for 30–60 minutes. No kids, no chores, no phones, no multitasking.

• Take a walk in a neighborhood you do not usually visit.
• Cook a new recipe together.
• Play a card game or board game.
• Get dessert after the kids are in bed.
• Recreate one of your earliest dates at home.
• Each of you writes down three low-cost date ideas, then pick one from a bowl.

Here is what one wife shared with us:

“My husband and I had gotten to the point that we barely talked and didn’t feel connected to each other… We are talking a lot more and actually laughing again and having fun with each other. It feels good to see my husband smile again.” 

3. Financial Intimacy: Get on the Same Team With Your Money

Money is one of the top reasons couples fight… and one of the top reasons they drift. Not because of how much you have, but because of how you talk about it (or do not).

Financial intimacy is not about having the perfect budget. It is about being unified, transparent, and on the same page about your goals, your fears, and your future.

When you build this pillar, the tension that used to follow every bank statement starts to lose its grip.

Start with these questions:

1. “What is one thing about our finances that currently stresses you out?”
2. “What is one financial goal you would love for us to work toward together?”
3. “What is one small change we could make this month to feel more united?”

One husband put it this way:

“My wife and I were having some issues in our marriage and were at the point of either changing our behavior or at serious risk of going our separate ways.  After 5 months of marriage coaching, I have to say our marriage has never been stronger. Our finances are completely transparent and finally under control. Also our sex life is booming and we have discovered date night again.”

2. Sexual Intimacy: You Get to Define What This Looks Like

Sexual intimacy is not just intercourse. It includes romance, initiation, and foreplay too.

For example, are you romancing each other on a Tuesday for no reason? Are you slowing down enough to actually pursue your spouse instead of just checking a box? Are you creating space for foreplay (not just as a warm-up, but as an experience in itself)?

This is the pillar where couples tell us they feel the most shame and the most pressure. But you get to decide what that rhythm looks like for your marriage. And when you give yourselves permission to explore it together, it can lead to the most joy and connection.

Try one of these ideas this week:

• Send one flirtatious text each day for a week.
• Kiss for 10 seconds when you greet each other.
• Schedule a night for romance, not just sex.
• Ask your spouse, “What helps you feel desired by me?”
• Initiate in a way that communicates pursuit, not pressure.

One listener shared this about what happened when they tried a new approach:

“[During our sex challenge] we made time for each other that otherwise would have probably just been spent watching TV or staring at Facebook. We spent time together afterward just basking in the moment and drawing it all in. Now I just simply enjoy talking to my husband again about nothing and about everything. I didn’t realize how much we would grow in such a short time.”

1. Emotional Intimacy: The One That Makes Everything Else Work

This one is #1 because it is the workhorse of the 6 Pillars.

Emotional intimacy is the ability to be fully known by your spouse… and fully loved anyway. It is what you are really after when you say, “I just want to feel close to you.” It is the reason a 20-minute conversation can feel more connecting than a whole weekend away.

When your emotional intimacy is strong, conflict resolves faster. Physical intimacy feels more meaningful. Date nights are actually fun. And those little daily interactions… the texts, the glances across the kitchen, the inside jokes… they become the glue that holds it all together.

If you do not know where to start in your marriage, start here. Always.

Ask one of these questions today:

1. “How are you really doing right now?”
2. “What has felt heavy for you lately?”
3. “Where have you felt supported by me?”
4. “Where have you felt alone?”
5. “What is one thing I can do this week to help you feel more loved?”

One listener shared the importance of addressing cracks in this pillar:

“My husband and I work very well together on tasks/schedules but over the years have had some trust and resentment issues that seem to be an underlying negative between us. After listening to several podcast episodes last year we have improved our communication and sexual intimacy.”

Ready to Strengthen All 6 Pillars?

These four are a powerful place to start. And when you are ready to go deeper… to work on all 6 Pillars of Intimacy® with the tools, support, and community to actually make it stick… Intimacy Mastery was built for exactly that.

Click here to learn more about Intimacy Mastery →