THE MENTAL PERSPECTIVE OF AN ORGASM

An orgasm is as much a mental experience as it is physical.

On the one hand, this is great news.

An orgasm causes your brain to release hormones that lead to relaxation and an improved mood. This moment of intense pleasure can reduce your stress, improve your immune system, and help you sleep better.

But the mental side of an orgasm can be challenging for many men and women.

You may enjoy sexual acts with your spouse but struggle to focus on the experience. Distracting thoughts can creep in and break your concentration, which makes reaching orgasm more challenging.

Here are five strategies that can help you overcome mental obstacles and experience enhanced orgasms.

The Many Factors of an Orgasm

It’s important to recognize that you are not alone if you struggle with the mental side of sex and orgasm. It’s common for both men and women to face mental obstacles in reaching orgasm.

In many studies, women report having an orgasm around 65% of the time, while men report having an orgasm 95% of the time. Even for those who regularly achieve an orgasm, maintaining focus during sex can still be a challenge.

First, consider how your personal history affects your mental perspective of orgasms.

For example, you may have grown up in a family where sex was never discussed. You might have heard or seen things that distorted your view of sex. Perhaps you don’t think you can or should orgasm.

Your beliefs about orgasms will influence how you approach sex with your spouse.

Second, you may need to reconsider whether an orgasm should be the ultimate goal of sex.

Sexual intimacy can connect you and your spouse in mind, body, and soul. You can still achieve the closeness and connection of sexual intimacy without an orgasm.

If the stress of reaching climax negatively affects your experience, you may need to redefine what success looks like in your sexual intimacy.

Five Mental Strategies to Enhance Sexual Intimacy and Orgasms

If you are struggling with the mental side of reaching an orgasm, there are several ways to hone your focus and heighten your sexual experience.

Keep in mind that each strategy will take time to implement. You and your spouse may need to try different things before finding the best solution for you. Don’t give up, even if you can’t find the answer right away.

1. Address mental distractions.

It’s easy to get distracted during sex. You might be worried about a kid walking in. Or you might have a mental to-do list that never goes away.

It’s hard to orgasm when you’re thinking about a dozen other things.

One way to overcome the mental obstacles of orgasms is to manage distractions and focus on your sexual intimacy.

For instance, leave the kids with a babysitter so you can spend the night at a hotel and focus on your spouse. Or schedule sex at a time when you can let go of distracting thoughts.

You may need to get creative about how to manage your many thoughts.

If you feel like your mind is always running through a to-do list during sex, take time beforehand to write down everything that needs to get done. Or start journaling regularly. This frees up your mind to focus on your spouse and your sexual connections.

Other mental aspects—such as fear, anxiety, or resentment—can hinder you from experiencing an orgasm.

Talk with your spouse or a counselor about the things weighing you down. Address external factors like work, finances, or family. Explore internal barriers, too, such as low self-confidence or performance anxiety.

Try various methods to manage your thoughts and distractions so that you can fully focus on your sexual encounters.

2. Practice mindfulness. 

One method for addressing mental distractions is to practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness is simply being aware of your thoughts and feelings. During sex, it can look like paying attention to how certain touches make your body feel, concentrating on your spouse, paying attention to your breathing, and more.

Mindfulness takes practice. It can be hard to let distracting thoughts come and go. But over time, staying focused on your spouse will become easier. As a result, you’ll be more in tune with your mind and body, which can enhance your sexual experience.

A heightened sexual experience—in which you are fully present—can also help you achieve an orgasm.

3. Deepen your trust. 

For some, the main mental obstacle to achieving orgasm is vulnerability.

A lack of trust can make you feel exposed, which makes climaxing difficult. If you feel exposed or uncomfortable during sex, your brain will work hard to stay in control, which limits your ability to orgasm.

Trust requires deep emotional intimacy.

There’s a reason emotional intimacy is the workhorse of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®. It underlies all the other pillars.

To strengthen or reestablish trust, focus on your emotional intimacy. If you need help with these conversations, consider marriage coaching or other outside help.

When you feel safe and secure with your spouse, you can lower your mental defenses and increase the likelihood of achieving an orgasm.

4. Think outside the box (and bedroom). 

Sexual intimacy is more than just what happens between the sheets. If you are struggling to experience an orgasm during sex, you may need to look outside the act itself to find a solution.

Each of The 6 Pillars of Intimacy® affects the others. A crack in one pillar may lead to challenges in another.

Assess other areas of your marriage, including emotional, physical, financial, recreational, and spiritual intimacy.

When you feel close and connected to your spouse in these other areas, it can be easier to relax and enjoy your sexual experiences.

Sexual intimacy is about the two of you, so work together to strengthen this pillar.

5. Commit to learning and exploring together. 

Your 6 Pillars of Intimacy® are not stagnant. The actions you take each day will either strengthen or weaken your marriage. Over the years, your sexual intimacy may fluctuate.

In some seasons of marriage, you may find it easy to focus on sex with your spouse. Other seasons, especially during transitions or times of stress, can make the mental side of sex more challenging.

You and your spouse are a team, and you should approach changes in your sexual intimacy together. Have open and honest conversations about the challenges you are facing.

Also, be willing to try new things with your spouse to enhance the sexual experience.

For example, incorporating toys, edging, wedges, or massage can help increase anticipation and excitement. This may help you or your spouse stay focused and resist distracting thoughts.

The best sexual education happens with your spouse. Learn about your anatomy with The Vagina Bible and The Penis Book. Tell your spouse what you want them to know about your orgasms.

Explore other obstacles that may be inhibiting an orgasm, such as hormonal imbalances, low testosterone, or a distracting environment.

Investigate this challenge together and explore every possible solution.

Take Action Today

It can be frustrating to face a mental block during sex, but it’s possible to experience pleasure and orgasms with time and effort.

It’s all about learning and growing alongside your spouse. Check out resources such as She Comes First and Come As You Are. 

If you continue to struggle with the mental perspective of orgasms, personal marriage coaching can help.