THE POWER OF WORDS TO MAKE OR BREAK YOUR MARRIAGE

On some level, everyone knows the power of words. It’s the way you communicate with others. Words can convey facts, feelings, dreams, and more.

Words hold power in every area of your life, especially when it comes to your marriage.

But too often, people are quick to speak and slow to listen, and this creates challenges throughout The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®.

If you want to improve communication within your marriage and create a more positive dynamic between you and your spouse, there are two main things you need to know about the power of words.

Who Your Words Impact

At their core, words are just a string of letters. The letters form sounds, and the sounds form words, which have meaning.

But the words you think and say have a lasting effect on three different groups of people.

First, the words affect the speaker.

The words form as thoughts within your mind before you say them. In fact, even if the words never leave your mouth, they have still left you with an impression, whether positive or negative.

Second, the words affect your spouse.

When you say something negative to your spouse, it goes far beyond the words you use. Your tone of voice, body language, and implied meanings can strike deep.

The third group affected by your words is anyone else who hears them.

Perhaps you have children within earshot of your conversation. They are learning communication skills—whether good or bad—from you and your spouse.

Other people beyond your immediate family might also hear the words you say. For example, if you’re complaining about your spouse to a friend or if your spouse is talking with someone about what you said, these individuals have also been affected.

What Your Words Do

Words have a long lifespan.

Something you say today might not matter to you tomorrow, but it can stick with anyone else who hears it, including your spouse, friends, or family.

This is true with positive words, too. It affects you, your spouse, and anyone else who overhears.

However, you’re probably more likely to say negative words than positive ones.

Have phrases ever come out of your mouth like, “You never follow through” or “You’re just like your mother”?

Maybe you’ve told your spouse, “You’re so lazy,” or “I’m the only one who ever helps around here.”

The irony of these negative phrases is that you might think these will motivate your spouse to make a change. However, that won’t be the result.

These words don’t inspire happiness. They won’t motivate anyone. They’re demoralizing.

What’s worse, these negative words can leave a scar that lasts for a long time. It can create new fears or insecurities in your spouse.

Your relationship is supposed to be a space of honesty and vulnerability. It’s a place for safety and security.

When you speak negative words about your spouse or your marriage, you are actively destroying your emotional intimacy. In fact, it can hinder all of your 6 Pillars of Intimacy®.

It can become a vicious cycle in your marriage.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

7 Ways to Harness the Power of Your Words

You can implement seven strategies to improve how you speak with your spouse and transform your marriage’s dynamic.

1. Use Your Words the Right Way

Words have power, so exercise power over your words. If your words create a divide between you and your spouse, you can choose different ones.

Start by paying attention to what comes out of your mouth. Monitor your tone of voice and attitude when speaking with your spouse. Take a breath before making extreme claims about your spouse’s behavior or character.

As you train yourself to use better language, you can improve the health of your relationship.

2. Check Yourself

There’s a common saying that hurt people hurt people. When you tear down your spouse, what are you trying to accomplish?

Perhaps you feel hurt from rejection, or you’re frustrated about something.

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” express the real emotion. For example, “I feel ignored when you’re on your phone while we’re talking.”

While your feelings are valid, you won’t get anywhere without the right approach.

If you need help understanding the emotions behind your words and getting on the same path with your spouse, check out the He Zigs, She Zags digital download.

3. Never Say Never (or Always)

Wendell Johnson once said, “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” He’s right.

As soon as you use a blanket statement such as “You always” or “You never,” your spouse might start thinking about every example where that isn’t true.

Before you know it, they’re no longer listening to you. They’re thinking of their own rebuttal.

If you want to communicate effectively with your spouse, watch your use of absolutes like “always” and “never.”

Instead, stay in the moment. Talk about what you’re experiencing in the present rather than talking about the past.

4. Name Your Emotions

Your words can become more powerful and effective when you know what you’re trying to communicate. After all, how can you expect your spouse to understand what you feel if you don’t?

The Emotions Wheel is one of the best tools to help you get specific in conversation with your spouse.

It’s one thing to say you feel mad. But describing your emotions as enraged, resentful, or embarrassed can help your spouse better understand your emotions. It also helps you better identify the root issue and focus on what needs to be addressed.

When you’re vague, you leave room for misinterpretation and miscommunication. Instead, get specific about what you’re feeling.

5. Change Your Own Thoughts First

If you want to improve communication and emotional intimacy with your spouse, start with yourself.

Positive thoughts form positive words. So start thinking positively in every aspect of your life, from marriage to work, finances, and more.

It won’t be easy, especially if you’ve formed a habit of negative thinking. But your brain is like a muscle. If you practice taking hold of your negative thoughts, you can train your brain to think positively.

You may need to create a phrase you can say when you start feeling negative. Whatever helps you redirect your thoughts toward the good in your life is worth doing.

6. Use a New Formula 

If you want to create an extraordinary marriage, you need to be careful of how you say things.

A great formula to turn your conversations from ineffective to transformative is the phrase, “I feel X when you Y.”

Not only does this help you avoid attacking your spouse, whether on purpose or by accident, but it also allows you to describe your thoughts and feelings.

It puts the situation in a new perspective for your spouse. They can put themself in your shoes.

This framework allows you to communicate more effectively with your spouse and take action together.

7. Speak Positivity Into Existence 

Did you know you can harness the power of words? Here’s how: Be proactive about being positive.

For example, push yourself to compliment your spouse. You can download 56 Simple Compliments to Encourage Your Spouse today to help you get started.

Whether you write them on a piece of paper, text them throughout the day, or say them to your spouse, you’re taking action to transform your words.

Take Control of Your Words

Ultimately, you have the ability to create change in your marriage. It starts internally and then flows out in the words you say to your spouse and others.

When you recognize the impact that your negative words are having, you become empowered to choose something different.

You can choose positive words that lift up your spouse. And you can decide to speak life into your marriage.